Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

I am currently trying to finish listening to Jordan B Peterson's 12 Rules for Life. I started listening to the audiobook about 12 months ago and gave up as I found it a bit tedious to listen to. I don't know if it his voice or the constant to-ing and fro-ing between the rule or the point and the mythological, religious anecdotes and stories. And I understand that it is all relevant to the subject matter and the rules he is formulating, but it's all a bit long-winded. I have six kids, life is hectic, my brain frequently screams "Get to the point!", while listening to the book. I have been watching his lectures online and I think what is lacking in the audiobook, or what is not conveyed rather, is the passion of his convictions and ability to enter the magical state of flow in his process. This seems stultified in the structure of the book format, which is a shame, because he is a captivating speaker, who has propelled some radical commonsense thinking to the masse...

It is my birthday. Well it was my birthday when I started writing this, I probably won't get to upload until tomorrow. Anyway. I always find myself in a state of reflection when birthday time comes around and this year in particular has been quite poignant. Hovering on the edge of the precipice, certain you are going to die and at your own hand mind you, because you have obviously lost your mind, that forces you into a live autopsy of your mind and life like never before. Reflecting on how far I have come in the past few months has meant that I have spent the last few days and today being very emotional. The distance of time since my acute episodes, has meant I have been able to view everything at a vantage point that I haven't been able to before. And I realised how close I came to not being here, how close I came to not having this birthday. There were days, if left alone and without my safety net, I am almost certain I would have ran out in front traffic or found the neares...

My youngest turned three recently. She had good day by all accounts. Just a day at home with a few presents and cake after dinner with her siblings, myself and her Dad. We do most of our celebrations with no pressure. No massive parties, not even a quiet gathering of nearest and dearest. Just us. Well usually just us. It is just simpler, less stress. I don't feel particularly confident organising parties or events, and putting myself through unnecessary stress and bullshit, it is just not worth it.  Occasionally the two oldest teenagers have had gatherings for their birthdays with a few friends over, and it always causes my stress levels to work overtime. I guess a great deal of it comes from not feeling confident with the logistics of said gathering, but another aspect is our house and how much I feel it is inadequate for any such gathering. And not just that it is a bit old and rundown and small, but that it is also cluttered and untidy and for the most part smells like a zoo. W...

A pause button for life would be nice. So I can catch my breath. The chances of that are about zero to none. So small moments are small victories. And maybe one day they will all add up to overcoming this black cloud. Depression tells me lots of things. "You are not worthy of anything or anyone. You are a terrible mother. You are a terrible partner. A terrible daughter and sister. You are a hopeless, pathetic friend. You are dependant and needy. You will never be any good. Your life sucks. You have no friends. No one likes you. You have no future. You should just jump off that cliff now. No one will care." And the worse thing is you believe it, despite evidence to the contrary. My logical brain and depressive brain battle it out on the daily. Then add in my anxious, panicky brain Fred, and basically I am screwed. I think one of the challenging things about this mental illness caper, is how utterly self absorbed I feel. It makes me loathe myself even more. "Hi there,...

"Hi Hazel,  it's just Trish from next door letting you know about Phoebe's little girl. So I'll talk soon. Bye." This was a message left on my answering machine this morning. Moments before, I was standing at the sink, lost in my thoughts. Mainly worrying about an impending panic attack, a bad day loomed like a big black shadow. I just wasn't sure when it would pounce, but I could feel it coming. After being on leave for two weeks my partner started back at work, so it is always a challenge to get myself through the day without him around as a safety net. I was worrying about how the day would go. How I would keep the two year old from hanging off me all day, or at least keep her entertained. Thinking about the jobs I needed to get done, while simultaneously being furious about our house being a shambles and thankful that we even have a house. Anyway. The phone rang while my brain was cluttering itself with thoughts. I glanced at the number. "No idea wh...

I am currently listening to this book "Lost Connections - Uncovering the real causes of depression - And the unexpected solutions" by Johann Hari. It is a good book, highly recommend. Since trawling the internet about depression, anxiety, medication, panic attacks etc, I came across a few recommendations for the book. I have a very under used Audible account, so it is currently having books about everything depression and anxiety  downloaded at lightning speed. When you have been as unwell as I have, you will throw everything you can in the mixing bowl of getting well. A few new audio books can't hurt. This book has been a bit of a revelation, that is if you can have revelations bit by bit. I am two-thirds of the way through and so much has resonated with me. I am like a case study for this book, it is any wonder I fell off the mental health wellness ship without a life saver. Sustained and chronic long term stress, sprinkled with a few traumatic events and gradually my ...

Imagine your walking along a path and then all of a sudden a flash flood furiously catches you off guard and any sense of that path you were walking is now indistinguishable. There is just a raging torrent of dark water propelling you to who knows where. That's a little bit what my panic episodes are like. And when you're amongst that swirling, angry torrent, it is easy to lose sight of the fact that, your environment for the most part is the same. The path is still there, the familiar surroundings are unchanged and when that panic flash flood subsides, those foundations of your life will most likely still be there. It just feels like they're not when all of a sudden your main objective is to keep your head above black, panic water and find something tangible to grasp on to. The relative stability I had been having over the month of June, in spite of all the ridiculous amount of appointments and box ticking monotony, came to a crashing end the last weekend of the month. J...