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Lost Connections & Ruby Slippers

I am currently listening to this book "Lost Connections - Uncovering the real causes of depression - And the unexpected solutions" by Johann Hari. It is a good book, highly recommend. Since trawling the internet about depression, anxiety, medication, panic attacks etc, I came across a few recommendations for the book. I have a very under used Audible account, so it is currently having books about everything depression and anxiety  downloaded at lightning speed. When you have been as unwell as I have, you will throw everything you can in the mixing bowl of getting well. A few new audio books can't hurt. This book has been a bit of a revelation, that is if you can have revelations bit by bit. I am two-thirds of the way through and so much has resonated with me. I am like a case study for this book, it is any wonder I fell off the mental health wellness ship without a life saver. Sustained and chronic long term stress, sprinkled with a few traumatic events and gradually my stabilizers (family, friends) became an ever shrinking circle. I liken my experience to the frog in a pot of water metaphor. It wasn't until everything went pear shaped that it suddenly dawned on me that my life had been gently simmering my mental health and wellness to the boiling point I currently find myself in. And here I am looking around wondering how the heck I got here. How could I be so stupid? Look up "Recipe for Disaster" in the dictionary, you will probably find a picture of me and my partner and our life. I am probably not in a good place to blog. I am not entirely sure why I keep writing and freely sharing this stuff with anyone who happens to take the time to read. Maybe it's just my Mum and a few dear friends, but mostly it is just for me. A transcript of a time in my life that is incredibly and intensely hard. The last month I have thought about running out in traffic, jumping off a cliff, stabbing myself and swallowing a multitude of pills. Just to make this all stop. I am convinced this will kill me. I will be the death of me, because I have no off switch for my life and my mind. That is the honest scary truth. I spoke to a friend in the last month who said, "If you got terminal cancer or had a fatal heart attack or a fatal car accident, it would be totally devastating for your family. But if you were to suicide it would seriously be the absolute worst possible scenario for your family. How can someone explain that to your children?"
A child of a parent that has killed themselves has a significant higher chance of suicide themselves. I don't really want to pass that on.
"Oh sorry kids, I have not only killed myself and completely devastated your life forever, but here have a significantly higher chance of doing the same to yourself. You're welcome"
I refuse to let that happen.
So I have have been listening to another book on my Audible account called "Reasons to Stay Alive" by Matt Haig.
It has been weirdly comforting to listen to someone describe almost exactly how I have been feeling the last few months. I haven't finished the book yet, but one of the standouts for me was a quote Matt Haig refers to from Albert Camus
"But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself."
I am the Lion seeking my courage. I am the Scarecrow seeking my brain. I am the Tinman thirsty for my oil of life. I am Dorothy trying to find my way home. What is that quote at the end? "You've always had the power...you had to learn it for yourself..."
Something like that. I am off to find my ruby slippers.





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