Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

Life has been propelling me forward and I have found myself in a quiet, simmering reflection about the past six months of my life. Simultaneously feeling lost, yet found. Unbearable, lonely grief for the loss of my parents, yet cautiously hopeful for the future without them. Navigating a world without them is incomprehensible. Navigating a world without the 24 year partnership that had been my stability and security in life, is daunting. The loss of my relationship has further compounded my experience of grief. I've lost more than I ever thought possible, all at once. I still think a part of me is numb, a survival mechanism of sorts. Nothing is more finite than death. There is no arguing with death when it arrives. There is a before and there is an after. Getting caught in the inbetween, the what ifs and the if onlys, is futile. So I try to exist in the after, all the while feeling tremendously lost. I had a moment this past week where I was thinking about the prospect of finding l