Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

I am currently trying to finish listening to Jordan B Peterson's 12 Rules for Life. I started listening to the audiobook about 12 months ago and gave up as I found it a bit tedious to listen to. I don't know if it his voice or the constant to-ing and fro-ing between the rule or the point and the mythological, religious anecdotes and stories. And I understand that it is all relevant to the subject matter and the rules he is formulating, but it's all a bit long-winded. I have six kids, life is hectic, my brain frequently screams "Get to the point!", while listening to the book. I have been watching his lectures online and I think what is lacking in the audiobook, or what is not conveyed rather, is the passion of his convictions and ability to enter the magical state of flow in his process. This seems stultified in the structure of the book format, which is a shame, because he is a captivating speaker, who has propelled some radical commonsense thinking to the masse

It is my birthday. Well it was my birthday when I started writing this, I probably won't get to upload until tomorrow. Anyway. I always find myself in a state of reflection when birthday time comes around and this year in particular has been quite poignant. Hovering on the edge of the precipice, certain you are going to die and at your own hand mind you, because you have obviously lost your mind, that forces you into a live autopsy of your mind and life like never before. Reflecting on how far I have come in the past few months has meant that I have spent the last few days and today being very emotional. The distance of time since my acute episodes, has meant I have been able to view everything at a vantage point that I haven't been able to before. And I realised how close I came to not being here, how close I came to not having this birthday. There were days, if left alone and without my safety net, I am almost certain I would have ran out in front traffic or found the neares

My youngest turned three recently. She had good day by all accounts. Just a day at home with a few presents and cake after dinner with her siblings, myself and her Dad. We do most of our celebrations with no pressure. No massive parties, not even a quiet gathering of nearest and dearest. Just us. Well usually just us. It is just simpler, less stress. I don't feel particularly confident organising parties or events, and putting myself through unnecessary stress and bullshit, it is just not worth it.  Occasionally the two oldest teenagers have had gatherings for their birthdays with a few friends over, and it always causes my stress levels to work overtime. I guess a great deal of it comes from not feeling confident with the logistics of said gathering, but another aspect is our house and how much I feel it is inadequate for any such gathering. And not just that it is a bit old and rundown and small, but that it is also cluttered and untidy and for the most part smells like a zoo. W