Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

This week 5 out of 6 of my children are finishing up school for the year. The holidays are upon us and 2020 is just about over. It blows my mind, it's gone simultaneously quickly and slowly. It's weird. I realised just now, that it has been 20 months since I just about walked myself of a cliff. I keep talking like it was 12 months ago. Well in a way it was,  I was still in a recovery process this time last year and I felt like I was coming out the other side. But I am still in recovery now. I haven't had a panic attack for a very long time and I am thankful for that. Anxiety has been manageable. Sadness, melancholy, depression... Always raining on my parade. It's a familiar place and it is bleak. I won the battle of the out of body, suicidal panic attacks. But the war still hasn't been won, depression is no picnic. Sometimes I think it will all eventually get me. No matter how hard I try to improve and overcome the challenges and the situations that life has thrown