Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

Desperately lonely is a place I find myself in a lot lately. Stable and functional. Yet disconnected, discontent, and dissatisfied with my life. Depressed, sad and lonely. If I told my psychologist I felt desperately lonely, her response would probably be something like, "Well that's very strong, dramatic and emotive language..." and then proceed to navigate me to more positive waters. Yet when I hear her response, I interpret it as 'let's tone it down a bit and look at the situation with some pragmatism'. I have never been particularly adept at approaching my emotions with pragmatism, is anyone really though? Even though I have managed to appear stoic and contained in the face of adversity and some very sad circumstances life has thrown my way. It didn't mean I felt the emotions of those circumstances to a lesser degree. In fact I think trying to contain everything, meant all those emotions and feelings concentrated and each time something significantly c...

It has been 7 weeks since my last bad day. In fact it was two bad days in a row. I was fairly non functional, burst into tears emotional, in general not coping with life. It was two days of crying, trying to be kind to myself and for the most part, assigned to my bed. Those two bad days were nothing compared to my really bad days back in March, April and May. Those two bad days would have been awesome back then. Back then I would have had to medicate  myself and spend the next however many days getting over a medication hangover. It is interesting how as time has rolled on, the bar has been set higher relative to my baseline of doing well or stability rather. So each increment of function that has returned and sustained itself with some stability , I have almost subconsciously bumped that bar up. I spoke to my psychologist about it at my last appointment. It is a double edged sword in a way. Bumping the bar up is not necessarily a bad thing, it can be helpful to improve in lots...

I miss fun and laughter and joy in my life. Not that I don't have moments, it's just different now and has probably been different for awhile, the change happened subtly. In a way I didn't realise how much that black cloud had impacted my life until it sent a massive storm of torrential rain and destroyed my sanity. Lately I find myself thinking about all the joyful moments filled with laughter when I was a child and I can't help but make comparisons to what my children experience. They are governed by technology nowadays and opportunities for those moments of jokes and stories, the human connectedness, are limited. Though somewhat dysfunctional routines in our household does not assist with cultivating those opportunities. Unfortunately it is what it is and it is something that I can't tackle right now, much of my energy is spent trying to continue to be stable and keeping the day to day cogs turning. Of course life wasn't always roses when I was a little thou...

Sometimes I feel like I am pretending that I am well for the comfort of others. As much as the mental health narrative is "It's okay to not be okay", much of the time I feel like the more apt narrative is "It's okay to not be okay. Just don't do it here. Or there. Or anywhere. And especially don't do it all over social media." You either hear the triumphant success stories, those that battle the black dog and come out the other side with somewhat "normal" functioning, managing their condition well and are now advocating for the cause. We love those stories, the hero triumphs over adversity and slays the beast as it were. The tragic flipside is the demise of those with mental health battles. Those that have a mental or psychotic episode and do something irredeemable or tragically they take their life. We're doing it wrong. As a society. We're not talking about that middle ground enough. Those that are still in the trenches, some are...

Things I Know About Me: 1. I Facebook too much. 2. Like Bridget Jones I will always be a little bit fat, but swap little with quite a bit. 3. I will always be a little bit mad. Like crazy mad, not angry mad. 4. I will always be a little bit sad. 5. I will always feel like I am not quite enough. For myself or anyone. 6. I try my best. Sometimes my best sucks. 7. I am thankful for what I have and where I am. Most of the time. 8. I know love is infinitely expanding. There is always enough. I love quietly. I wish I could love all those I love, loudly and boldly. 9. I have learnt that acceptance does not necessarily equal approval. 10. I am a low maintenance human, with high maintenance emotions. 11. I will always look at the stars and moon in bewildered wonderment and question why we're all here. 12. I made lots of humans. They didn't exist last century. That blows my mind every day. 13. I appreciate it when people are straightforward with me, though sometimes it hurts...

A lifetime ago I use to play the saxophone. Tenor saxophone to be exact. It was while I was in high school for about three and a half years. Concert band was kind of a big thing and I would be lying if I said I didn't have a bit of a crush on my saxophone teacher. He was a bit cool. I loved playing saxophone, I don't particularly think I was very good at it, but I tried my best. And there was a camaraderie that develops with the band folk. Looking back it was a special time during those teenage years. I gave up playing the saxophone when I started year 11. The thought of trying to do music for my HSC in the form of playing my saxophone, was altogether too daunting for me. I had to reluctantly hand my very loved tenor saxophone back to the music department.  Unfortunately it wasn't mine to keep.  I think at the time the band fees were going up too and it was a cost that was a bit too much. For years, and I mean probably a good 10 years, I would dream about that saxophone. I...

Last week I had a psych appointment. I quite like my psychologist, rapport is quite important in the process of therapy, otherwise it just doesn't work. Plus she seems like a nice person and makes our chats seem more like friendly back and forth banter while steering my negativity towards the positive, and working on strategies to chip away at goals and encourage more opportunities for connection with family and friends. Two goals I went away with last week were to make regular playdates with my three year old daughter and make time for a walk or jog. Only once a week for each, for now anyway. Well I ticked both those boxes by Friday and I stretched myself even further by meeting up with a friend on Saturday, which I appreciated immensely and needed even more. The week went reasonably well. Friday night was a bit tough though. Every now and then I have a glimpse into those really bad early days. Like standing on the edge of a precipice and staring down into a fiery hell, with an e...