Kaleidoscope Mind

In the last couple of weeks my mental-ness has stabilised. I'm thankful. When I'm good, I'm good. When I'm good, I just get on with all the life stuff, and try to find and point out the good bits as I go. Attempting to continue to seek the joy in life. The extraordinary in the ordinary. It sounds a bit silly I suppose, but looking for any thread of good in the day to day is important. Sometimes what that looks like for me, is as simple as hanging washing out and taking a photo of the pegs lined up, or taking a walk along the beach and listening to the ocean. In 2019 when i was really unwell, it was digging holes over and over again in the sandpit with my toddler or jumping on the trampoline with her in circles. At the time, I didn't really see those moments as joy or good. I often did things on auto pilot, not finding much joy in anything, but what I did find in those moments was the present. The power of now stuff that Eckhart Tolle bangs on about. Fixating on jumping around and around in circles with my kid, while she giggled her head off gave me a distraction from all my own racing thoughts. Instead my focus was on her, most of the time. It was hard work though. Most days I just wanted to crawl into bed and never surface again. I still have days like that. The last two months have been like that, I'm cautiously optimistic that I am coming out the otherside. I have come to accept that I will always be managing this madness that lurks around.

Managing with beach trips, swimming, walks, star gazing, tree pondering, sky prayers, rose smelling, medication taking, screaming at the moon, pacing at midnight, facepalming my forehead over and over again, phoning lifelines, singing songs, silly dancing, sobbing into pillows... Hoping, wishing, praying, doing, being, breathing. Just keep breathing.

I'm still here. With my kaleidoscope mind.

I took my mind for granted. You always think you're going to be "you", until something comes along and shakes up your mind marbles all over your life. I just want to be well. For myself, for my kids. I want to live the fuck out of life and be happy. Find the magical love of my life and sail off into the sunset. Magic happens, right?

I'll make a wish when I go to the UK and see Stonehenge. Be right back, chasing dreams...And maybe a few stray marbles.

Comments

Crash and Burn

Imagine your walking along a path and then all of a sudden a flash flood furiously catches you off guard and any sense of that path you were walking is now indistinguishable. There is just a raging torrent of dark water propelling you to who knows where. That's a little bit what my panic episodes are like. And when you're amongst that swirling, angry torrent, it is easy to lose sight of the fact that, your environment for the most part is the same. The path is still there, the familiar surroundings are unchanged and when that panic flash flood subsides, those foundations of your life will most likely still be there. It just feels like they're not when all of a sudden your main objective is to keep your head above black, panic water and find something tangible to grasp on to. The relative stability I had been having over the month of June, in spite of all the ridiculous amount of appointments and box ticking monotony, came to a crashing end the last weekend of the month. J

Remember Who You Are

Hello my name is Léyanie and 5 weeks ago I was suicidal. Worse than that even, I was panicking and suicidal. And I completely felt unhinged from reality. I wasn't technically psychotic. I had insight into my behaviour and my thinking being terribly wrong and frightening, and uncharacteristic of myself, but I was terrified that I could have easily tipped over to the psychotic and done something dreadful to myself. I required immediate assistance and intervention, I was resigned to the fact that I was probably going to be hospitalized, but I am lucky to have a great doctor and she prescribed medication that helped and I spent a week with my Dad. My family dropped their lives to support me as best they could. My sister was key in that intervention, bundling me up and taking me to my doctor and then dropping me off at Dad's. She checked in everyday with me, as did my great friends, and I am so very thankful for that. What you may not know about this story is that prior to my breakd

Chance Encounters

Last week I put my script in at the pharmacy for my "keep Fred in his box" medication. When I went to the counter to pick them up, the man at the counter handed them to me and asked why I was taking them, "There's a few things you can take that for is all", he said. I resisted the urge to blurt out that my brain is broken and that it is an anti-Fred, and just explained it was being used as an antidepressant. He went on to ask if I would be interested in some supplements that could help. "Yeah sure, why not", I said. I figured what could it hurt. He writes down the supplements on a piece of paper, but also walks me through some of the ones available at the pharmacy. The list was for vitamin B, vitamin D, flaxseed oil and probiotics. He also let me know about a book that he recommends and a group that runs seminar type sessions on depression and brain health, among other things. I was very grateful, "Thanks for helping me out. I think I was close t

Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

Search This Blog