I go to the beach a lot. Not to swim, though I do like swimming. I haven't been swimming in a very long time. But I just go to look at the ocean, smell the sea and sand, and try to catch my bearings on life. It's interesting to people watch while clearing my head. Young couples, old couples, maybe with dogs, maybe not. Families, toddlers, teenagers and all the evolution between. Time out amongst the vastness of nature makes me feel better. I have been thinking about that a lot lately, what makes me feel better. I am aware that my blog is a bit of a down and out wallow in despair and sad, self pity too. I try to make it a bit hopeful, but I can't avoid the situation of the current life circumstances I find myself in. Emotional bypassing isn't going to make me better. It will just prolong the inevitable nervous breakdown again. So, in light of doom and gloom, I have been reflecting on things that make me feel better, and also catching myself in moments where I notice I'm feeling better, content, happy and joyful even. If I can be more aware of those moments, I can get more of a handle on strategies that may help me feel better when things start heading downhill. Lately I have been finding those moments in music. I was an 80s child, so just about all the music of that era is familiar to me and I have felt a pull towards listening to a lot more 80s and late 70s music. Namely rock and hair metal. There has been a healthy amount of Van Halen happening. It makes me feel better, a bit energised, and I find myself wanting to sing and dance. I sometimes feel a bit alien in those moments, when I find myself in spaces of fun and joy. It's almost like I don't belong there. It's challenging for me to let my guard down and experience those moments. But I have been doing a lot more of that. I grew up with older siblings who listened to an array of music. Motley Crue, Skid Row, Ozzy Osborne, Anthrax, Warrant, Bon Jovi, Europe. A decent mixture of hair metal, heavy metal, rock and popular music. My brothers were more into the harder stuff, my sister loved the hair metal and pop. I stole her Terence Trent D'Arby cassette and listened to it over and over again. "Introducing the Hardline According to...Terence Trent D'Arby". I loved that. But I loved listening to Motley Crue a whole lot too. I remember being obsessed with the song "You're All I Need". The music video had been banned on MTV in the US, and in Australia you could only see it late at night or early wee hours of morning on the music program Rage. It's a great song, but I think as a child I recognised the toxic, domestic violence aspect of the music video. Home life wasn't particularly roses at that stage of my life. But life got better when the significant people in my life got help. Forgiveness and redemption can go hand in hand. Clearly doom and gloom is never far away, but the music has been helping.For a few weeks from Christmas onwards I had stopped listening to music and I didn't realise how much it can affect my mood until I started listening to songs and bands I love again. I miss being able to play and sing songs. As a teenager being a part of concert band was a huge part of life for a few years, playing the clarinet, saxophone, a little bit of guitar, taught myself to play the violin very badly and took up singing for a bit. I even remember learning and playing the drums for about a week. Mostly though I loved singing and writing my own songs. Often turning my poetry into songs and playing the guitar while I sang my heart out. It felt like home singing and playing the guitar. I don't think I was particularly very good at singing or playing guitar, but it made me feel better. I told my music teacher at the time that I wanted to write songs. She misunderstood what I meant and thought I wanted to compose music. There wasn't really any support for contemporary singer/songwriter types in the music department at my high school. Eventually, I stopped singing, stopped playing guitar and music just became something I observed and listened to. I was no longer a participant. It still makes me sad. I feel hopeful that I can pick up some music playing or singing in the future, who knows what the future holds.Recently I was watching an old episode of Joe Rogan with Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age. He said "Reserve the right to be surprised by life". I'm not sure if he was quoting someone else, but it definitely made me take notice. I want to be surprised by life. In good ways, in magical ways, in sweet ways, happy ways, joyful ways. I'm waiting life. Surprise me.
Comments