Dandelion Wishes

Tomorrow I start my new meds. With much trepidation. But I know I can't function at a reasonable capacity in my current state. I also know that new medication could also set me back. Perhaps months. A year even.

If things go bad and I don't post an update. I may be very sick. Maybe I'll be dead.

This blog means so much to me. It's the most creative and meaningful outlet I have had for myself, along with my Instagram account, for a very long time.

Writing honest thoughts and feelings about life and my universe while navigating my way through a mental breakdown. It has been one of the bravest things I have done. Sending it all out to the internet. Scattering thoughts through time and space, like wishing upon a dandelion in the wind. I wish for a simple life. That feels beautiful.

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Shooting Stars

My Mum died. Her last breath of life left her at 9.37pm, 8th September. I held her hand and kissed her forehead as she left. I had made a "Mum" playlist of all her favourite songs I could remember. She slipped away listening to the song Could I Have This Dance by Anne Murray. It was hers and Dad's song. The next song that played was Over The Rainbow by Judy Garland. She would sing this to us when we were babies. And then to the grandbabies. They say babies decide when it's time for them come, to be born. My beautiful mother picked her moment to die. She had impeccable timing. If she didn't. It was one hell of an extraordinary coincidence. I am heartbroken. Bereft. Distraught. Grief stricken. All the words and feelings and states of being that convey loss. Somehow it's still not enough. Two days leading up to Mum dying, I would go outside in the evening and look at the sky. Silently praying for a miracle. Each night I seen shooting stars...falling stars. I...

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Last week I put my script in at the pharmacy for my "keep Fred in his box" medication. When I went to the counter to pick them up, the man at the counter handed them to me and asked why I was taking them, "There's a few things you can take that for is all", he said. I resisted the urge to blurt out that my brain is broken and that it is an anti-Fred, and just explained it was being used as an antidepressant. He went on to ask if I would be interested in some supplements that could help. "Yeah sure, why not", I said. I figured what could it hurt. He writes down the supplements on a piece of paper, but also walks me through some of the ones available at the pharmacy. The list was for vitamin B, vitamin D, flaxseed oil and probiotics. He also let me know about a book that he recommends and a group that runs seminar type sessions on depression and brain health, among other things. I was very grateful, "Thanks for helping me out. I think I was close t...

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Desperately lonely is a place I find myself in a lot lately. Stable and functional. Yet disconnected, discontent, and dissatisfied with my life. Depressed, sad and lonely. If I told my psychologist I felt desperately lonely, her response would probably be something like, "Well that's very strong, dramatic and emotive language..." and then proceed to navigate me to more positive waters. Yet when I hear her response, I interpret it as 'let's tone it down a bit and look at the situation with some pragmatism'. I have never been particularly adept at approaching my emotions with pragmatism, is anyone really though? Even though I have managed to appear stoic and contained in the face of adversity and some very sad circumstances life has thrown my way. It didn't mean I felt the emotions of those circumstances to a lesser degree. In fact I think trying to contain everything, meant all those emotions and feelings concentrated and each time something significantly c...

Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

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