It always seems when I think I'm doing well, something comes and knocks me over. I shouldn't ever speak of being stable. It's all relative after all. So the past couple of weeks I have been feeling the descent into melancholy, depression, sadness, stuck, miserable...Constant hamster wheel of life is taking its toll. I sobbed and screamed in my car today, between picking up children and grocery shopping and my psychiatrist appointment. My psychiatrist wants me to trial another medication. I want to not trial another medication, but I also do not want to die. Suicidal thoughts have been popping up a bit more. A telltale sign I'm not coping so well. My food hasn't been optimal, exercise has not been optimal. All the things and a bag of chips. I have considered running away, moving out, separating from my partner. I am so stuck and miserable with my life. I have a very good friend who says I should stop being a doormat. I barely have time to breath space into life for myself. Today after doing all the things, I came home to more things to do and my partner just on his computer. Sure he has health issues, medical conditions, but he is capable of doing stuff, even in a limited capacity. I've given up being angry and pointing out how unfair it all is. Because I am wasting my breath. I have to completely fall apart for my family to notice. It is unfair..Life is unfair.
I went for a walk in the rain yesterday. It was cold and wet and windy. I was an icicle in boots and sunglasses. A good friend insisted on picking me up and we spent the evening talking. Well I cried a lot initially and then we brain stormed ideas to make life better. Life won't get better. And that right there is the thought process that has led my psychiatrist to trialling new meds. I haven't started them. I'm terrifed to. If they spiral me into a vicious cycle of medication rollercoaster. It could be another year of hell or worse death anyway. Especially if I'm panicking again. At least now I only have ruminating thoughts of suicide, not the panicked, desperate compulsion to throw myself off a cliff thoughts. Do I want to take the risk? No not really. It could lead to me feeling better too I suppose, but my track record with medication is not good.
I have observed family members over many years that have struggled like me. Those in challenging situations and with mental health issues. There's not a whole lot of success stories in my family. Social isolation, lower socio-economic status, dysfunctional family structures all coinciding with mental disorders. Most stories are sad. I'll admit the mental health services are not adequate, that's a very important contributing factor. But my family does have a predisposition for dysfunction and poor mental health. I feel like a salmon swimming up stream. I feel doomed. In spite of all my waxing lyrical about joy and peace, mostly I'm sad that my life looks like a mess and feels like pushing a massive boulder uphill and every so often another boulder comes hurtling along that I have to add to the original boulder. Eventually I'll just sail back down the hill and get crushed by it all. Sigh. Not a happy blog post. I'm sure the next boulder is hurtling its way down the hill to me. Until then I will wait here. Lonely, sad, exhausted.
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