My mental health has taken a bit of a dive. I feel unstable, wobbly of the mind. Lately I have been thinking, " I could write a suicide letter on my blog. No one would notice. "
So yeah, not a great thought process to have. Life is a struggle, challenging, relentless. Steam rolling me into the ground, again and again and again. And when I feel like I am clear, far enough to catch my breath, the life steam roller descends and I am squished into the mud of despair once more.
The thing is, I have been functional, doing really well even. As I have recovered the practical support has dried up. I don't expect to be handheld through life forever, but ongoing support, especially from family surely is not too much to ask? It saddens me that people who profess to love me and my partner and our children, only offer support when everything falls apart. Perhaps our lives wouldn't fall apart if offered consistent, practical support.
Since I began to function like myself again, I have felt even more isolated, lonely, misunderstood, sad and helpless as to how to make life better for myself and my family. My partner has health issues that are becoming increasingly difficult and stressful to contend with. Some of it could be mitigated by him making changes to his diet and routine, but he is stuck in a rut and I think has become apathetic about his situation. So I have to take on more than my fair share of family workload, as there are certain things he can't do and other things he can't be relied upon to actually get done. He is a good man. He looks after me when the sky is falling in. That's probably the reason why his health problems scare me so much. I am afraid to lose him. He's all I've got. Our kids can't take the load of Mum in an episode of mental breakdown and panic. Of course I want him to be well for himself, but I very selfishly want him to be well for me. He very much anchors me to reality when my mind is unwell.
Recovery won't happen overnight. Relapse is a possibility. I can't express how hard I am working to stay well at the moment. The last resort is my medication bag of tricks, which I haven't needed just yet. But if things keep sliding downhill, I may have to dip in and take a pill to come back down to Earth.
This shit is hard. It would be hard if you were a single person with a seemingly straight forward life. My life is a spiral slippery dip with balls of chaos and madness thrown down it every second of the day. I coped quite well with all of it until last year. I just want to be well. I want to do something with my life that I love, that brings me joy, that makes my soul sing.
Right now, I am drowning. And it would be easy just to give up, just to stop it all.
Dear Me, don't lose your shit now. You can do this. You will get through this. And one day you'll come back here and read this, and you will be glad that you stayed. You're braver than you think, worthy of all the things and have a heart full of love. Just keep swimming.
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