Today is New Year's Eve 2019. I have reflected a considerable amount about the year. Especially in the last couple of months leading up to the end of 2019. This year without doubt has personally been the worst year of my life. It sounds dramatic, but I lost my mind this year and I spiralled into a traumatic loop of panic attacks, anxiety, depression and all consuming suicidal thoughts. Any sense of self I had was stripped way and for months I was just surviving one moment at a time. Trying to find sense in it all for my children, my partner, my family...my self. I feel like I have lived 5 years in this one year. The person who was about to welcome in 2019 a year ago, is not the same person I am today. She just doesn't exist anymore and this person today writing this, is still finding her feet. I am thankful to be able to write it all down, a testimony of a mountain climbed. My own personal mind Mt Everest. I am thankful that I have been able to use my blog as a therapy of sorts. It has been carthartic to write it all down. As the last 12 months fades into history, I have also had a chance to ponder what the next 12 months could bring as it unfolds. In a practical sense, my three year old starts preschool two days a week at the end of January. I am hesitantly looking forward to it. She is a velcro kid to say the very least and is completely Mummy focused and obsessed. It is exhausting, but I know it won't last forever. I am sure preschool will be a great adventure for her. Everytime one of the children have started preschool I always manage to fill the days up with mundane Mum stuff. I am wanting to avoid that this time. I need some self care time one day a week and I plan on taking off the Super Mum cape for a bit. Not that I am Super Mum though, I guess I will be shedding the Super Mum cape of expectation. Anyway. I would like to make more time to write. Not just blogging my mental health stuff. Writing is a bit of a natural habitat, again not Super writer or anything, but I do feel a sense of flow with words that I don't find anywhere else. I am thinking perhaps some short story fiction, but I still need to get my head in the game. If you want to write, read. I am sure someone said that once, somewhere. The more you read, the better the writer or something like that. I have great memories of hanging out in my school library reading everything and anything. I think it is magic how words can conjure pictures in your mind of worlds and places and people that don't exist, and you become emotionally invested in these worlds and people. How do brains do that? It is important to tell stories, I think it is a way we make sense of ourselves and our world. If you have stories, you are never lonely. Well maybe. But it is a nice sentiment. Pondering all this conjuring of stories and putting pen to paper, or finger to keyboard. A friend dropped in and gave me a gift. Inspiration for writing. A super master class of lessons with brilliant writers. Maybe it will spur me on to my own JK Rowling moment, probably not, but it's nice to dream. Though I probably didn't show it, it meant the world to me that my friend gave me this gift. His friendship also means the world to me. Sometimes you just kind of click with people and they feel like home. It's some kind of magical conjunction of people. He is one of those people. Though perhaps I am not one of his "home" people, that's okay. And if he reads this and rolls his eyes, that's okay too. I will always have a great deal of respect, admiration and love for him. Thank you friend. All my love to you.
So 2020 is about two hours away. I feel like I should have crafted some glittery vision board to manifest my wildest dreams and desires. Isn't that what all the cool, woke kids are doing nowadays? To be honest, I am just content and relieved to still be alive and entering a new decade. In a way I have straddled timelines this year. One that has led me here, to this moment right now, and one that could have led me to much, much worse. Now I shut the door on a dark year and turn the page to a new chapter of my life. I am tentatively looking forward to it. It feels like crossing a threshold of sorts, considering that it will be my 40th year being a living, breathing human. That's a wee bit scary. So friends, here's to 2020. May it bring you joy, peace and love. And most importantly, may it be bloody brilliant and utterly magical. Much love 💗
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