I probably spend more time than I should on social media. Well definitely on Facebook. I often use Facebook as a bit of a place to vent. It's just accessible and easy to do so and has become a habit. I guess I hope that someone will see my vent or post and relate to my experience or maybe comment with their own experience. Or at the very least say "that's a bit crap, I hope your day gets better". People respond a whole lot more to the positive stuff though, it's likely the reason some people self censor and only share the upbeat stuff. Well that's not me. I have never been great at censoring my posts for the comfort of others or to appear as though I am doing well and life is fabulous. Yet despite my years of Facebook posting and venting, I find myself in a predicament of late with my much used social media app. Since my mental health went and dumped itself in to the toilet, I have noticed a drop off of people commenting and interacting with my posts, the boring mundane stuff, the mental health stuff and even the good stuff. It's the same reliable family and friends commenting and liking my posts, which I do appreciate very much. But I feel a bit deflated. I feel like I have the equivalent to social media leprosy, I likely have social leprosy in real life too, but let's not confound issues here. I know validation via social media is just a recipe for disappointment. I feel dumb for investing so much of myself and my life in this absurd construction. It's equivalent to standing in my backyard yelling random stuff about my day and my life and hoping someone responds. To be perfectly honest I don't know my neighbours very well, they would probably just ignore me or think I have lost the plot. I kind of have, but they don't know that. When I think about it though, a lot of my Facebook "friends", really aren't friends and they don't particularly warrant a seat at my life table. Not my real life table and probably not my social media life table either. Social media is definitely not real life. Though I must say that over the years I have been selective with who I share my posts with. At least two thirds of the people on my friends list are restricted, I probably should just unfriend a whole heap of people, I don't know why I haven't done it. Anyway if you're one of the people that sees my ranty, venty, sad, happy, proud and boring posts, you're someone I trust, someone I admire, and/or someone I deem safe, as it were. Family or friend. Disseminating why and how I use Facebook goes a ways to explain why I feel disillusioned and inadequate. My problem with Facebook is the trying to connect thing, finding something meaningful in the noise of technology and the noise of life. But much of the time I feel lonely, misunderstood and irrelevant to many folks, even the ones that mean a lot to me. Once upon a time, some of these people meant a great deal to me, some still mean a great deal to me, some are just acquaintances and some are family. But many don't really sit at the table of my day to day reality anymore. Obviously my nearest and dearest will always be hugely important. My Mum for instance, is not in my day to day anymore, but of course I am not about to click the delete button on her. Anyway, I think I have come to the conclusion that I need to have a break from social media, or specifically Facebook. I pondered just deleting my entire account, but considering I have so much on there like photos and family moments, I would rather not. Not just yet. It feels a bit like a digital photo album and journal, obliterating the entire thing doesn't sit well with me at the moment. I feel sad about having an extended break, as Facebook is kind of my go to thing. The social in my social-less existence. I recognise it is starting to make me feel bad, and being where I am at mentally, I don't have time for extra negative baggage.
So people who follow my blog will know where to find me. Or perhaps they may not. Either way I won't be posting on Facebook declaring that I am taking a break because "reasons" for everyone to see. I am just going to quietly take a step back and remember what life was like before this social media app became this all consuming theme in my life. I will keep blogging into the hazy abyss of the internet about life, the universe and my melancholy mind. I hope you all come find me. I hope you find something meaningful here. At the very least, you will find a fellow human seeking her own meaning and trying to heal her mind. One day when my mind is better, hopefully I can help other humans. Until then I am wishing you all peace, love and joy.
Comments