I feel like I should say something like "forgive me Father for I have sinned...it's been two weeks since my last confession, well breakdown"
Anyway, that clearly makes no sense
So it has been two weeks since I had a major breakdown. And I mean panicky, emotional, unreal, need rescue medication and partner takes the day off work breakdown. It is a milestone. I am quietly optimistic that my streak will continue. But. I still have days when the panic looms, like a black cloud ready to burst a volatile storm all over my life. The black panther waiting to pounce and tear my mind to shreds again. Days when it actually happens are scary for me and tough for my family. When you are physically ill , it is easier to comprehend the implications of a cold or flu or a stomach bug. When it is your mind that is ill, it is a different ball game. Even the time line is unknown. Since riding this mental health rollercoaster, I often wonder if this is just my life now. Maybe I will be like this forever, a new normal that is unknown and unsettling. Even more frightening is worrying I could get worse. Catastrophising at its finest. I have a skill for it.
I have six children, there is always a spanner thrown in the works somewhere. Six catastrophes waiting to happen. Four have extra special fairy challenges -Autism, ADHD, mental health stuff - I often find myself thinking, "How did I sign up for this?" No one in their right mind would sign up for this, but since being in my wrong mind, I kind of wonder if my right mind was perhaps led astray and overestimated my ability to parent all these special people. I would be lying if I said that parenting all my special people didn't contribute to my mental demise. Parenting regular, average children I am sure is daunting and mind breaking, but considering my yard stick for parenting is based purely on difference and adversity - even my neurotypicals, are dubiously labelled as such - well parenting is just a tough gig at any rate. I am surprised my mind didn't break sooner. If any of us had a crystal ball at the beginning, perhaps we would all make different choices. But I guess that goes for any life choices, not just children. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my kids. They each have their own quirks and foibles and I love them all for their uniqueness and weirdness and sit outside the boxness. I am not about to package any of them up and return to whence they came. I am trying to not lose my sense of self in this parenting caper, but I think maybe I have lost a bit more than I bargained for. When I look at the bigger picture, the future for them. All the unknowns come racing at me, like when the Millennium Falcon goes into hyperdrive and all the stars turn into a whirling vortex, it's like that in my mind. But thoughts of future what ifs. My Dad always says you shouldn't dwell on what ifs. But I am not sure if he meant in the past tense or the future tense or both. Probably should take Dad's advice and not worry. But I do. I worry that my children will never be independent and self sufficient. I worry that they will always struggle in life. I worry about them finding friends and life partners. I am terrified that they will have children, giving me grandchildren that I won't know what to do with, because I can barely parent them let alone grandparent children. I worry that they will become adults that blame me for everything that is wrong and bad in their lives. A part of me knows they will be right. We all do the best we can. I constantly want to do better, and think I could be doing better. And what happens when I am in this mindset, is that there is no room to recognise and acknowledge the things I am doing well. Even the things that are just okay. Because okay is still okay. Or something like that.
And I wish that for my children. To be okay. There will be days when okay is enough. Some days may be magic and joyful and some days sad and gloomy. Nearly every day (weather pending) just before the sun goes down, the world is bathed in a golden glow of light, and then the darkness descends. And with every new day the same light washes over everything again. That's what joy feels like. A sunset, a sunrise of golden light. I wish for that joy for my children. It is the golden moments that help you walk through the darkness. The joy makes it all worthwhile. May you find what makes your heart sing and just dance in the joy.
I wish that for them. I wish that me. I wish that for everyone.
Anyway, that clearly makes no sense
So it has been two weeks since I had a major breakdown. And I mean panicky, emotional, unreal, need rescue medication and partner takes the day off work breakdown. It is a milestone. I am quietly optimistic that my streak will continue. But. I still have days when the panic looms, like a black cloud ready to burst a volatile storm all over my life. The black panther waiting to pounce and tear my mind to shreds again. Days when it actually happens are scary for me and tough for my family. When you are physically ill , it is easier to comprehend the implications of a cold or flu or a stomach bug. When it is your mind that is ill, it is a different ball game. Even the time line is unknown. Since riding this mental health rollercoaster, I often wonder if this is just my life now. Maybe I will be like this forever, a new normal that is unknown and unsettling. Even more frightening is worrying I could get worse. Catastrophising at its finest. I have a skill for it.
I have six children, there is always a spanner thrown in the works somewhere. Six catastrophes waiting to happen. Four have extra special fairy challenges -Autism, ADHD, mental health stuff - I often find myself thinking, "How did I sign up for this?" No one in their right mind would sign up for this, but since being in my wrong mind, I kind of wonder if my right mind was perhaps led astray and overestimated my ability to parent all these special people. I would be lying if I said that parenting all my special people didn't contribute to my mental demise. Parenting regular, average children I am sure is daunting and mind breaking, but considering my yard stick for parenting is based purely on difference and adversity - even my neurotypicals, are dubiously labelled as such - well parenting is just a tough gig at any rate. I am surprised my mind didn't break sooner. If any of us had a crystal ball at the beginning, perhaps we would all make different choices. But I guess that goes for any life choices, not just children. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my kids. They each have their own quirks and foibles and I love them all for their uniqueness and weirdness and sit outside the boxness. I am not about to package any of them up and return to whence they came. I am trying to not lose my sense of self in this parenting caper, but I think maybe I have lost a bit more than I bargained for. When I look at the bigger picture, the future for them. All the unknowns come racing at me, like when the Millennium Falcon goes into hyperdrive and all the stars turn into a whirling vortex, it's like that in my mind. But thoughts of future what ifs. My Dad always says you shouldn't dwell on what ifs. But I am not sure if he meant in the past tense or the future tense or both. Probably should take Dad's advice and not worry. But I do. I worry that my children will never be independent and self sufficient. I worry that they will always struggle in life. I worry about them finding friends and life partners. I am terrified that they will have children, giving me grandchildren that I won't know what to do with, because I can barely parent them let alone grandparent children. I worry that they will become adults that blame me for everything that is wrong and bad in their lives. A part of me knows they will be right. We all do the best we can. I constantly want to do better, and think I could be doing better. And what happens when I am in this mindset, is that there is no room to recognise and acknowledge the things I am doing well. Even the things that are just okay. Because okay is still okay. Or something like that.
And I wish that for my children. To be okay. There will be days when okay is enough. Some days may be magic and joyful and some days sad and gloomy. Nearly every day (weather pending) just before the sun goes down, the world is bathed in a golden glow of light, and then the darkness descends. And with every new day the same light washes over everything again. That's what joy feels like. A sunset, a sunrise of golden light. I wish for that joy for my children. It is the golden moments that help you walk through the darkness. The joy makes it all worthwhile. May you find what makes your heart sing and just dance in the joy.
I wish that for them. I wish that me. I wish that for everyone.
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