Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

" Still round the corner there may wait A new road or a secret gate And though I oft have passed them by A day will come at last when I Shall take the hidden paths that run West of the Moon, East of the Sun." J.R.R. Tolkien I came across this quote by Tolkien when I was trying to think of a caption for this photo I took of a gate at my local park. I like taking photos. I have an Instagram account that is my creative outlet. Photos are quick and simple, which fits well into my not so simple life. I usually try to think up some whimsical nonsense to caption my photos, but this particular instance, I decided to search for a quote by someone else. And I came across Tolkien. Sometimes we stumble across things when we most need them. I do feel like a new road or gate is just around the corner, but perhaps unknowingly I'm wandering past such gates and roads everyday. Not realising that they may lead me to new adventures, maybe magic and just maybe finding some happiness and peac...

I want to die. I feel alone. I'm exhausted. Disconnected. I found out this week that my sister has restricted me on Facebook. I think she did it quite awhile ago. It should not matter. Social media is bullshit. But it hurts. She saved me in 2019. When I was going to kill myself. When I wasn't in my right mind. I don't know what I did. Did I hurt her? Say something wrong? She's my only sister. I don't know who to call or what to do. I've been contemplating ways to kill myself for a few weeks. I just want to escape my life. It's relentless. A discussion with my partner turned into an argument. Things are unfair. He always says he will try harder to help and take some of the life load off me. It barely changes. He got angry at me for saying that. And he has gone to bed now. While I cry and wonder whether I should go for a walk or a drive and not come back. I need to talk and he shut down. My psychiatrist took me off a medication this week. She thinks it's w...

I go to the beach a lot. Not to swim, though I do like swimming. I haven't been swimming in a very long time. But I just go to look at the ocean, smell the sea and sand, and try to catch my bearings on life. It's interesting to people watch while clearing my head. Young couples, old couples, maybe with dogs, maybe not. Families, toddlers, teenagers and all the evolution between. Time out amongst the vastness of nature makes me feel better. I have been thinking about that a lot lately, what makes me feel better. I am aware that my blog is a bit of a down and out wallow in despair and sad, self pity too. I try to make it a bit hopeful, but I can't avoid the situation of the current life circumstances I find myself in. Emotional bypassing isn't going to make me better. It will just prolong the inevitable nervous breakdown again. So, in light of doom and gloom, I have been reflecting on things that make me feel better, and also catching myself in moments where I notice I...

This week started not so well. To be honest I haven't been feeling right for almost 2 weeks. But I think I've just been going through the motions, pretending I was okay. Distracting myself and trying to ignore my increasing anxiety. The feeling like I'm being split into two different dimensions. It's hard to explain. By Monday this week I crashed into an emotional, anxiety heap. Impending panic and doom, and feeling like my internal motor was idling too high and I couldn't calm down. Some of it I have put down to the weird inbetween time from Christmas to New Year and then to when school continues back. Also, my eating habits have been complete and utter rubbish, which is something I know I need to be mindful of. So crash, bang, boom. My partner wrapped me in a bed burrito and fed me valium. I felt a little okay Monday night, but still not like myself. Thankfully I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. I pushed myself to get in the car and drive to the...

I started writing thoughts. To get them out of my head. I'm looking for reassurance and validation. Connection. But does anyone care to read my words and thoughts? I feel like I clutter up the space in the lives of my friends. Befriending another's existence. Finding value and worth in their intrinsic essence, in absence of things they do, but just how they be or are. How does one measure that? Is there a barometer? Is it just biochemistry? In my usual self enquiry mode. In making sense of the self, perhaps it will make sense of the world. I ask friends questions in order to get a sense of my own self, as I haven't particularly had a good grasp of that for a while. Perhaps their perception of my intrinsic essence will help construct a sense of self. I'm probably full of shit and patting me on the head and telling me "just because" will suffice. At the very least it's a familiar theme of my experience. I'm probably not making any sense. It's why I w...

This week 5 out of 6 of my children are finishing up school for the year. The holidays are upon us and 2020 is just about over. It blows my mind, it's gone simultaneously quickly and slowly. It's weird. I realised just now, that it has been 20 months since I just about walked myself of a cliff. I keep talking like it was 12 months ago. Well in a way it was,  I was still in a recovery process this time last year and I felt like I was coming out the other side. But I am still in recovery now. I haven't had a panic attack for a very long time and I am thankful for that. Anxiety has been manageable. Sadness, melancholy, depression... Always raining on my parade. It's a familiar place and it is bleak. I won the battle of the out of body, suicidal panic attacks. But the war still hasn't been won, depression is no picnic. Sometimes I think it will all eventually get me. No matter how hard I try to improve and overcome the challenges and the situations that life has thrown ...

I have been on the new meds for almost three weeks. I haven't really noticed much of a difference. Perhaps I am coping with life a bit better, but there certainly hasn't been a dramatic improvement. The new medication is not an SSRI. It's called Zyban, or Bupropion is its actual name. It is a NDRI. My Google research was not extensive, other than that most reviews were relatively positive. My doctor said that it is relatively quicker to work than the SSRI medications. Yet, my improvement is minimal and could also be due to where I am in my menstrual cycle. I suppose I will keep taking it and see how things progress. Happy to report that I have had very minor side effects. Flushing and nausea the first day or two. If I don't do much in the first hour of taking my medication, I notice a weird prickly head flush. It's really nothing to worry about. Last year I went from one SSRI to another, from bad to worse each time. Prozac was awful, induced heart palpitations and r...