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I'm Not Dead...

I have been on the new meds for almost three weeks. I haven't really noticed much of a difference. Perhaps I am coping with life a bit better, but there certainly hasn't been a dramatic improvement. The new medication is not an SSRI. It's called Zyban, or Bupropion is its actual name. It is a NDRI. My Google research was not extensive, other than that most reviews were relatively positive. My doctor said that it is relatively quicker to work than the SSRI medications. Yet, my improvement is minimal and could also be due to where I am in my menstrual cycle. I suppose I will keep taking it and see how things progress. Happy to report that I have had very minor side effects. Flushing and nausea the first day or two. If I don't do much in the first hour of taking my medication, I notice a weird prickly head flush. It's really nothing to worry about. Last year I went from one SSRI to another, from bad to worse each time. Prozac was awful, induced heart palpitations and raging panic attacks, gastrointestinal symptoms. Lexapro caused anxiety and gastrointestinal symptoms aswell. Intermittent panic attacks. Pristiq damn near killed me. I couldn't eat, became intensely suicidal, paranoid. And all of them had me in the realm of derealisation and depersonalisation. It was hell. My doctor came to the conclusion that SSRI medications weren't for me and tried me on Valdoxan. I was on it for 7-8 weeks. It was okay, no dramatic side effects, but I felt like it was starting to interfere with my sleep. It works on the melatonin pathways, in simple terms, and is supposed to help with sleep, I think after awhile it was messing up my own melatonin. Maybe I imagined it. I'm not against trialling it again. The medication rollercoaster is not a fun ride. I have conceded that I will likely be on medication for my mental health for the rest of my life. The circumstances I find myself in are not conducive to maintaining a healthy mind. Many children with special needs and a partner with his own serious health conditions. And all of that is not going away anytime soon. I try my best to find things to be grateful for, but the hamster wheel is relentless. I'm not sure how I go about improving my life while stuck in this endless loop. I listen to a lot of podcasts, I listen to audio books, immerse myself in my obsession for astrology, look at trees, stare at the sky, clouds and stars alike and take photos. Instagram is my visual gratitude journal. So even when life feels hopeless, I can look at the little things I take photos of and realise that there's beauty and wonder in the ordinary. Finding the extraordinary in my ordinary life. I can still be sad while doing that. I wish I wasn't though. And sometimes I think it will all eventually make sense, all the puzzle pieces will fall in place and all this struggle and suffering wouldn't have been for nothing. Counting the little victories on the way to reach the zenith of life. I'm not sure anyone gets that moment. Perhaps some do. But just as many die amongst suffering and sadness, of what could have been and should have been, maybes and regrets. We will all end up being the sum of the stories told about us. In a way we are the sum of the stories we tell ourselves while we're still earth side. Some of us stay on the first draft forever and some of us decide to start a whole new story. This medicated mess is ready for the whole new story.



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