Maintain Depressed Position...

I want to die. I feel alone. I'm exhausted. Disconnected. I found out this week that my sister has restricted me on Facebook. I think she did it quite awhile ago. It should not matter. Social media is bullshit. But it hurts. She saved me in 2019. When I was going to kill myself. When I wasn't in my right mind. I don't know what I did. Did I hurt her? Say something wrong? She's my only sister. I don't know who to call or what to do. I've been contemplating ways to kill myself for a few weeks. I just want to escape my life. It's relentless. A discussion with my partner turned into an argument. Things are unfair. He always says he will try harder to help and take some of the life load off me. It barely changes. He got angry at me for saying that. And he has gone to bed now. While I cry and wonder whether I should go for a walk or a drive and not come back. I need to talk and he shut down. My psychiatrist took me off a medication this week. She thinks it's what has been causing my panic attacks. I don't have a clue anymore. Nothing makes sense. Life is one challenge after another. I feel so dreadfully alone. Crying into internet land won't help. Everyone expects you to pull yourself up by your boot straps. Harden the fuck up. Well my boot straps snapped and I hardened so much my mind shattered. I think my heart and soul shattered too. I'm sad. So very sad. Why can't I just be normal? When does this stop? I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of struggling. I don't think I'll ever be okay.

Comments

Stockpiles of Sadness

Desperately lonely is a place I find myself in a lot lately. Stable and functional. Yet disconnected, discontent, and dissatisfied with my life. Depressed, sad and lonely. If I told my psychologist I felt desperately lonely, her response would probably be something like, "Well that's very strong, dramatic and emotive language..." and then proceed to navigate me to more positive waters. Yet when I hear her response, I interpret it as 'let's tone it down a bit and look at the situation with some pragmatism'. I have never been particularly adept at approaching my emotions with pragmatism, is anyone really though? Even though I have managed to appear stoic and contained in the face of adversity and some very sad circumstances life has thrown my way. It didn't mean I felt the emotions of those circumstances to a lesser degree. In fact I think trying to contain everything, meant all those emotions and feelings concentrated and each time something significantly c...

Meaningful Nonsense

I am currently trying to finish listening to Jordan B Peterson's 12 Rules for Life. I started listening to the audiobook about 12 months ago and gave up as I found it a bit tedious to listen to. I don't know if it his voice or the constant to-ing and fro-ing between the rule or the point and the mythological, religious anecdotes and stories. And I understand that it is all relevant to the subject matter and the rules he is formulating, but it's all a bit long-winded. I have six kids, life is hectic, my brain frequently screams "Get to the point!", while listening to the book. I have been watching his lectures online and I think what is lacking in the audiobook, or what is not conveyed rather, is the passion of his convictions and ability to enter the magical state of flow in his process. This seems stultified in the structure of the book format, which is a shame, because he is a captivating speaker, who has propelled some radical commonsense thinking to the masse...

Chance Encounters

Last week I put my script in at the pharmacy for my "keep Fred in his box" medication. When I went to the counter to pick them up, the man at the counter handed them to me and asked why I was taking them, "There's a few things you can take that for is all", he said. I resisted the urge to blurt out that my brain is broken and that it is an anti-Fred, and just explained it was being used as an antidepressant. He went on to ask if I would be interested in some supplements that could help. "Yeah sure, why not", I said. I figured what could it hurt. He writes down the supplements on a piece of paper, but also walks me through some of the ones available at the pharmacy. The list was for vitamin B, vitamin D, flaxseed oil and probiotics. He also let me know about a book that he recommends and a group that runs seminar type sessions on depression and brain health, among other things. I was very grateful, "Thanks for helping me out. I think I was close t...

Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

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