Maintain Depressed Position...

I want to die. I feel alone. I'm exhausted. Disconnected. I found out this week that my sister has restricted me on Facebook. I think she did it quite awhile ago. It should not matter. Social media is bullshit. But it hurts. She saved me in 2019. When I was going to kill myself. When I wasn't in my right mind. I don't know what I did. Did I hurt her? Say something wrong? She's my only sister. I don't know who to call or what to do. I've been contemplating ways to kill myself for a few weeks. I just want to escape my life. It's relentless. A discussion with my partner turned into an argument. Things are unfair. He always says he will try harder to help and take some of the life load off me. It barely changes. He got angry at me for saying that. And he has gone to bed now. While I cry and wonder whether I should go for a walk or a drive and not come back. I need to talk and he shut down. My psychiatrist took me off a medication this week. She thinks it's what has been causing my panic attacks. I don't have a clue anymore. Nothing makes sense. Life is one challenge after another. I feel so dreadfully alone. Crying into internet land won't help. Everyone expects you to pull yourself up by your boot straps. Harden the fuck up. Well my boot straps snapped and I hardened so much my mind shattered. I think my heart and soul shattered too. I'm sad. So very sad. Why can't I just be normal? When does this stop? I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of struggling. I don't think I'll ever be okay.

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Stockpiles of Sadness

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I am currently trying to finish listening to Jordan B Peterson's 12 Rules for Life. I started listening to the audiobook about 12 months ago and gave up as I found it a bit tedious to listen to. I don't know if it his voice or the constant to-ing and fro-ing between the rule or the point and the mythological, religious anecdotes and stories. And I understand that it is all relevant to the subject matter and the rules he is formulating, but it's all a bit long-winded. I have six kids, life is hectic, my brain frequently screams "Get to the point!", while listening to the book. I have been watching his lectures online and I think what is lacking in the audiobook, or what is not conveyed rather, is the passion of his convictions and ability to enter the magical state of flow in his process. This seems stultified in the structure of the book format, which is a shame, because he is a captivating speaker, who has propelled some radical commonsense thinking to the masse...

Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

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