Maintain Depressed Position...

I want to die. I feel alone. I'm exhausted. Disconnected. I found out this week that my sister has restricted me on Facebook. I think she did it quite awhile ago. It should not matter. Social media is bullshit. But it hurts. She saved me in 2019. When I was going to kill myself. When I wasn't in my right mind. I don't know what I did. Did I hurt her? Say something wrong? She's my only sister. I don't know who to call or what to do. I've been contemplating ways to kill myself for a few weeks. I just want to escape my life. It's relentless. A discussion with my partner turned into an argument. Things are unfair. He always says he will try harder to help and take some of the life load off me. It barely changes. He got angry at me for saying that. And he has gone to bed now. While I cry and wonder whether I should go for a walk or a drive and not come back. I need to talk and he shut down. My psychiatrist took me off a medication this week. She thinks it's what has been causing my panic attacks. I don't have a clue anymore. Nothing makes sense. Life is one challenge after another. I feel so dreadfully alone. Crying into internet land won't help. Everyone expects you to pull yourself up by your boot straps. Harden the fuck up. Well my boot straps snapped and I hardened so much my mind shattered. I think my heart and soul shattered too. I'm sad. So very sad. Why can't I just be normal? When does this stop? I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of struggling. I don't think I'll ever be okay.

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The Rain Wizard

Life is a cause for disillusionment at the moment. I was going to write a post about all the disillusioned things when I realised I had a draft post waiting in the wings from a few weeks ago. So here it is... The weather has been dreary drizzle where I live. It's also the final stretch of school holidays, so I am a slightly bit battle fatigued from all the children being home. Yesterday I went for a walk in the rain to get milk. I needed the walk and milk was in short supply in the fridge. We run out of milk and bread at a rapid pace when everyone is home. Walking always gives me breathing and thinking space. It also gives me opportunities to take photos which I put on Instagram, my visual gratitude diary. Or "life isn't so bad if you can find beauty in mundane things" diary. While walking in the drizzle, I was reminded of when I was a kid and use to stand outside the front of my childhood home when it was raining. Not pouring rain, but the dreary, cold drizzle. It w...

Remember Who You Are

Hello my name is Léyanie and 5 weeks ago I was suicidal. Worse than that even, I was panicking and suicidal. And I completely felt unhinged from reality. I wasn't technically psychotic. I had insight into my behaviour and my thinking being terribly wrong and frightening, and uncharacteristic of myself, but I was terrified that I could have easily tipped over to the psychotic and done something dreadful to myself. I required immediate assistance and intervention, I was resigned to the fact that I was probably going to be hospitalized, but I am lucky to have a great doctor and she prescribed medication that helped and I spent a week with my Dad. My family dropped their lives to support me as best they could. My sister was key in that intervention, bundling me up and taking me to my doctor and then dropping me off at Dad's. She checked in everyday with me, as did my great friends, and I am so very thankful for that. What you may not know about this story is that prior to my breakd...

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Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

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