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Wish Upon a Star

This week 5 out of 6 of my children are finishing up school for the year. The holidays are upon us and 2020 is just about over. It blows my mind, it's gone simultaneously quickly and slowly. It's weird. I realised just now, that it has been 20 months since I just about walked myself of a cliff. I keep talking like it was 12 months ago. Well in a way it was,  I was still in a recovery process this time last year and I felt like I was coming out the other side. But I am still in recovery now. I haven't had a panic attack for a very long time and I am thankful for that. Anxiety has been manageable. Sadness, melancholy, depression... Always raining on my parade. It's a familiar place and it is bleak. I won the battle of the out of body, suicidal panic attacks. But the war still hasn't been won, depression is no picnic. Sometimes I think it will all eventually get me. No matter how hard I try to improve and overcome the challenges and the situations that life has thrown at me and my family. The bleakness of existence and our living situation endures. Unfortunately it is likely we will endure our living situation for sometime to come as my partner's health has declined quite significantly in recent months, so much so that I doubt he will be working in the next 6 - 12 months. Without his job, our prospects of acquiring a mortgage is little to zero. A big fat zero. The possibility of me finding a job to fill in the gaps is an option, but considering I am the only driver in our household, means that it would be virtually impossible to manage getting all the children where they need to be. Therapy appointments, school, all the inbetween stuff. Practical family and friend support is not an option. The disability funding for the children only covers transport to and from therapy or outings they go to, and that's if they have enough funds in their NDIS plans. I suppose I sound like I am putting roadblocks in the way, but it is a difficult situation. I have been watching a lot of Christmas movies and they are all cheesy stereotypical feel good stories. It's nice to escape into make believe, where everything gets nice and neatly wrapped in a bow and everyone is happy. Real life isn't like that though. Nor do I expect it to be. But a part of me still believes in magic. And at Christmas time magic is even more palpable. Maybe wishes will be granted and dreams come true. Maybe Santa will leave the keys to a new house under the tree, one that has a bathroom floor that is properly tiled, with pylons that aren't crumbling, electrical circuits that don't short when we use a kettle and air-conditioner at the same time, free from bugs and mould and mildew. I'm not asking for a palace. Just somewhere stable, secure and that works for my family. Life is challenging enough without having to worry that the house is going to blow up from making tea, while also trying to stay cool. Heaven forbid I use a vacuum cleaner too. The whole operation would spontaneously combust. In the meantime between wishing and dreaming, I will endeavour to make Christmas a happy time for the children as best I can. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and here's to wishing on stars 🌠

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