Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

This week started not so well. To be honest I haven't been feeling right for almost 2 weeks. But I think I've just been going through the motions, pretending I was okay. Distracting myself and trying to ignore my increasing anxiety. The feeling like I'm being split into two different dimensions. It's hard to explain. By Monday this week I crashed into an emotional, anxiety heap. Impending panic and doom, and feeling like my internal motor was idling too high and I couldn't calm down. Some of it I have put down to the weird inbetween time from Christmas to New Year and then to when school continues back. Also, my eating habits have been complete and utter rubbish, which is something I know I need to be mindful of. So crash, bang, boom. My partner wrapped me in a bed burrito and fed me valium. I felt a little okay Monday night, but still not like myself. Thankfully I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. I pushed myself to get in the car and drive to the...

I started writing thoughts. To get them out of my head. I'm looking for reassurance and validation. Connection. But does anyone care to read my words and thoughts? I feel like I clutter up the space in the lives of my friends. Befriending another's existence. Finding value and worth in their intrinsic essence, in absence of things they do, but just how they be or are. How does one measure that? Is there a barometer? Is it just biochemistry? In my usual self enquiry mode. In making sense of the self, perhaps it will make sense of the world. I ask friends questions in order to get a sense of my own self, as I haven't particularly had a good grasp of that for a while. Perhaps their perception of my intrinsic essence will help construct a sense of self. I'm probably full of shit and patting me on the head and telling me "just because" will suffice. At the very least it's a familiar theme of my experience. I'm probably not making any sense. It's why I w...

This week 5 out of 6 of my children are finishing up school for the year. The holidays are upon us and 2020 is just about over. It blows my mind, it's gone simultaneously quickly and slowly. It's weird. I realised just now, that it has been 20 months since I just about walked myself of a cliff. I keep talking like it was 12 months ago. Well in a way it was,  I was still in a recovery process this time last year and I felt like I was coming out the other side. But I am still in recovery now. I haven't had a panic attack for a very long time and I am thankful for that. Anxiety has been manageable. Sadness, melancholy, depression... Always raining on my parade. It's a familiar place and it is bleak. I won the battle of the out of body, suicidal panic attacks. But the war still hasn't been won, depression is no picnic. Sometimes I think it will all eventually get me. No matter how hard I try to improve and overcome the challenges and the situations that life has thrown ...

I have been on the new meds for almost three weeks. I haven't really noticed much of a difference. Perhaps I am coping with life a bit better, but there certainly hasn't been a dramatic improvement. The new medication is not an SSRI. It's called Zyban, or Bupropion is its actual name. It is a NDRI. My Google research was not extensive, other than that most reviews were relatively positive. My doctor said that it is relatively quicker to work than the SSRI medications. Yet, my improvement is minimal and could also be due to where I am in my menstrual cycle. I suppose I will keep taking it and see how things progress. Happy to report that I have had very minor side effects. Flushing and nausea the first day or two. If I don't do much in the first hour of taking my medication, I notice a weird prickly head flush. It's really nothing to worry about. Last year I went from one SSRI to another, from bad to worse each time. Prozac was awful, induced heart palpitations and r...

Tomorrow I start my new meds. With much trepidation. But I know I can't function at a reasonable capacity in my current state. I also know that new medication could also set me back. Perhaps months. A year even.  If things go bad and I don't post an update. I may be very sick. Maybe I'll be dead.  This blog means so much to me. It's the most creative and meaningful outlet I have had for myself, along with my Instagram account, for a very long time.  Writing honest thoughts and feelings about life and my universe while navigating my way through a mental breakdown. It has been one of the bravest things I have done. Sending it all out to the internet. Scattering thoughts through time and space, like wishing upon a dandelion in the wind. I wish for a simple life. That feels beautiful.

It always seems when I think I'm doing well, something comes and knocks me over. I shouldn't ever speak of being stable. It's all relative after all. So the past couple of weeks I have been feeling the descent into melancholy, depression, sadness, stuck, miserable...Constant hamster wheel of life is taking its toll. I sobbed and screamed in my car today, between picking up children and grocery shopping and my psychiatrist appointment. My psychiatrist wants me to trial another medication. I want to not trial another medication, but I also do not want to die. Suicidal thoughts have been popping up a bit more. A telltale sign I'm not coping so well. My food hasn't been optimal, exercise has not been optimal. All the things and a bag of chips. I have considered running away, moving out, separating from my partner. I am so stuck and miserable with my life. I have a very good friend who says I should stop being a doormat. I barely have time to breath space into life for m...

A few weeks ago the last person I ever thought would ever contact me, did. And he did so because he stumbled across my last blog post and he was concerned. After initially being gobsmacked and engaging in polite niceties, which all went well. Me being me, couldn't leave it at that, so after a little reflection I wrote the following message to him. 1,026 words. That's roughly how many words you wrote in your message to me. 5,298 characters. Woven together to turn words into sentences For me. Thank you. When we spoke a couple of weeks ago, you mentioned that you had been thinking of me all week. Which was very sweet and I was a little surprised by. I was remarkably chilled out prior to our reconnecting over the phone. Actually so much so that I wondered if maybe I just assumed that I wouldn't actually hear your voice on the phone that day. Your admission to thinking of me all that week, has now led to my admission that I have been having conversations with you in my head sinc...