Dandelion Wishes

Tomorrow I start my new meds. With much trepidation. But I know I can't function at a reasonable capacity in my current state. I also know that new medication could also set me back. Perhaps months. A year even.

If things go bad and I don't post an update. I may be very sick. Maybe I'll be dead.

This blog means so much to me. It's the most creative and meaningful outlet I have had for myself, along with my Instagram account, for a very long time.

Writing honest thoughts and feelings about life and my universe while navigating my way through a mental breakdown. It has been one of the bravest things I have done. Sending it all out to the internet. Scattering thoughts through time and space, like wishing upon a dandelion in the wind. I wish for a simple life. That feels beautiful.

Comments

Deconstructing Memories

I reflect a lot on where I have come from, past experiences, friends, relationships, family, the time I accidentally threw out the most epic story I wrote in year 3. I was convinced it was going to be a best seller, it was about this off the wall family that moves house and you get to follow along on all the ensuing hilarity. I thought it was awesome. I once sent a story I wrote about toothpaste that makes this kid invisible to a children's book publisher. I got a knock back. I was 11 years old and a bit devastated. I loved writing stories as a kid, my teachers thought I was quite a good writer and most encouraged my creative writing. So a dream to become an author was seeded inside a young girls mind. I would live in an apartment and get a cat, and write fantasy, adventure and a tad bit humorous novels. Kind of like Kathleen Turner's character Joan Wilder in the movie Romancing the Stone (one of my most favourite films by the way), except I wouldn't write romance novels. ...

Remember Who You Are

Hello my name is Léyanie and 5 weeks ago I was suicidal. Worse than that even, I was panicking and suicidal. And I completely felt unhinged from reality. I wasn't technically psychotic. I had insight into my behaviour and my thinking being terribly wrong and frightening, and uncharacteristic of myself, but I was terrified that I could have easily tipped over to the psychotic and done something dreadful to myself. I required immediate assistance and intervention, I was resigned to the fact that I was probably going to be hospitalized, but I am lucky to have a great doctor and she prescribed medication that helped and I spent a week with my Dad. My family dropped their lives to support me as best they could. My sister was key in that intervention, bundling me up and taking me to my doctor and then dropping me off at Dad's. She checked in everyday with me, as did my great friends, and I am so very thankful for that. What you may not know about this story is that prior to my breakd...

Just Keep Swimming

Life has been propelling me forward and I have found myself in a quiet, simmering reflection about the past six months of my life. Simultaneously feeling lost, yet found. Unbearable, lonely grief for the loss of my parents, yet cautiously hopeful for the future without them. Navigating a world without them is incomprehensible. Navigating a world without the 24 year partnership that had been my stability and security in life, is daunting. The loss of my relationship has further compounded my experience of grief. I've lost more than I ever thought possible, all at once. I still think a part of me is numb, a survival mechanism of sorts. Nothing is more finite than death. There is no arguing with death when it arrives. There is a before and there is an after. Getting caught in the inbetween, the what ifs and the if onlys, is futile. So I try to exist in the after, all the while feeling tremendously lost. I had a moment this past week where I was thinking about the prospect of finding l...

Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

Search This Blog