Skip to main content

Lonely. Sad. Exhausted.

It always seems when I think I'm doing well, something comes and knocks me over. I shouldn't ever speak of being stable. It's all relative after all. So the past couple of weeks I have been feeling the descent into melancholy, depression, sadness, stuck, miserable...Constant hamster wheel of life is taking its toll. I sobbed and screamed in my car today, between picking up children and grocery shopping and my psychiatrist appointment. My psychiatrist wants me to trial another medication. I want to not trial another medication, but I also do not want to die. Suicidal thoughts have been popping up a bit more. A telltale sign I'm not coping so well. My food hasn't been optimal, exercise has not been optimal. All the things and a bag of chips. I have considered running away, moving out, separating from my partner. I am so stuck and miserable with my life. I have a very good friend who says I should stop being a doormat. I barely have time to breath space into life for myself. Today after doing all the things, I came home to more things to do and my partner just on his computer. Sure he has health issues, medical conditions, but he is capable of doing stuff, even in a limited capacity. I've given up being angry and pointing out how unfair it all is. Because I am wasting my breath. I have to completely fall apart for my family to notice. It is unfair..Life is unfair.
I went for a walk in the rain yesterday. It was cold and wet and windy. I was an icicle in boots and sunglasses. A good friend insisted on picking me up and we spent the evening talking. Well I cried a lot initially and then we brain stormed ideas to make life better. Life won't get better. And that right there is the thought process that has led my psychiatrist to trialling new meds. I haven't started them. I'm terrifed to. If they spiral me into a vicious cycle of medication rollercoaster. It could be another year of hell or worse death anyway. Especially if I'm panicking again. At least now I only have ruminating thoughts of suicide, not the panicked, desperate compulsion to throw myself off a cliff thoughts.  Do I want to take the risk? No not really. It could lead to me feeling better too I suppose, but my track record with medication is not good.
I have observed family members over many years that have struggled like me. Those in challenging situations and with mental health issues. There's not a whole lot of success stories in my family. Social isolation, lower socio-economic status, dysfunctional family structures all coinciding with mental disorders. Most stories are sad. I'll admit the mental health services are not adequate, that's a very important contributing factor. But my family does have a predisposition for dysfunction and poor mental health. I feel like a salmon swimming up stream. I feel doomed. In spite of all my waxing lyrical about joy and peace, mostly I'm sad that my life looks like a mess and feels like pushing a massive boulder uphill and every so often another boulder comes hurtling along that I have to add to the original boulder. Eventually I'll just sail back down the hill and get crushed by it all. Sigh. Not a happy blog post. I'm sure the next boulder is hurtling its way down the hill to me. Until then I will wait here. Lonely, sad, exhausted.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Crash and Burn

Imagine your walking along a path and then all of a sudden a flash flood furiously catches you off guard and any sense of that path you were walking is now indistinguishable. There is just a raging torrent of dark water propelling you to who knows where. That's a little bit what my panic episodes are like. And when you're amongst that swirling, angry torrent, it is easy to lose sight of the fact that, your environment for the most part is the same. The path is still there, the familiar surroundings are unchanged and when that panic flash flood subsides, those foundations of your life will most likely still be there. It just feels like they're not when all of a sudden your main objective is to keep your head above black, panic water and find something tangible to grasp on to. The relative stability I had been having over the month of June, in spite of all the ridiculous amount of appointments and box ticking monotony, came to a crashing end the last weekend of the month. J...
2 comments
Read more

Chance Encounters

Last week I put my script in at the pharmacy for my "keep Fred in his box" medication. When I went to the counter to pick them up, the man at the counter handed them to me and asked why I was taking them, "There's a few things you can take that for is all", he said. I resisted the urge to blurt out that my brain is broken and that it is an anti-Fred, and just explained it was being used as an antidepressant. He went on to ask if I would be interested in some supplements that could help. "Yeah sure, why not", I said. I figured what could it hurt. He writes down the supplements on a piece of paper, but also walks me through some of the ones available at the pharmacy. The list was for vitamin B, vitamin D, flaxseed oil and probiotics. He also let me know about a book that he recommends and a group that runs seminar type sessions on depression and brain health, among other things. I was very grateful, "Thanks for helping me out. I think I was close t...
2 comments
Read more

Remember Who You Are

Hello my name is Léyanie and 5 weeks ago I was suicidal. Worse than that even, I was panicking and suicidal. And I completely felt unhinged from reality. I wasn't technically psychotic. I had insight into my behaviour and my thinking being terribly wrong and frightening, and uncharacteristic of myself, but I was terrified that I could have easily tipped over to the psychotic and done something dreadful to myself. I required immediate assistance and intervention, I was resigned to the fact that I was probably going to be hospitalized, but I am lucky to have a great doctor and she prescribed medication that helped and I spent a week with my Dad. My family dropped their lives to support me as best they could. My sister was key in that intervention, bundling me up and taking me to my doctor and then dropping me off at Dad's. She checked in everyday with me, as did my great friends, and I am so very thankful for that. What you may not know about this story is that prior to my breakd...
1 comment
Read more