Remember Who You Are

Hello my name is Léyanie and 5 weeks ago I was suicidal. Worse than that even, I was panicking and suicidal. And I completely felt unhinged from reality. I wasn't technically psychotic. I had insight into my behaviour and my thinking being terribly wrong and frightening, and uncharacteristic of myself, but I was terrified that I could have easily tipped over to the psychotic and done something dreadful to myself. I required immediate assistance and intervention, I was resigned to the fact that I was probably going to be hospitalized, but I am lucky to have a great doctor and she prescribed medication that helped and I spent a week with my Dad. My family dropped their lives to support me as best they could. My sister was key in that intervention, bundling me up and taking me to my doctor and then dropping me off at Dad's. She checked in everyday with me, as did my great friends, and I am so very thankful for that. What you may not know about this story is that prior to my breakdown, I don't think I had spoken to my sister for about 18 months. I knew that I was in such a bad place, that it would take family to recognise that I was not okay and just about to fall off a cliff without a parachute. My sister stepped up and I will be forever grateful. The week spent with my Dad was simultaneously magic and tough. There is something about being in your childhood home that anchors you, but perhaps maybe it was actually being with my Dad that helped too, a touchstone for reality in the form of a person was very much a good thing. Certainly having a circuit breaker from my current family life helped.  I love my children immensely, much of my life is about providing the best I can for them, which frustratingly is not always the best for me. There is not much peace and quiet in our house, and overwhelmed has kind of become my default setting. Perpetually stretched in different directions and not particularly feeling like I am doing anything rather well. Add in the extra curricular special fairy stuff (Autism, ADHD, mental health issues), and life is just a relentless pursuit of box ticking and tension and hamster wheels. What happened to the joy and fun? I want my family to have more of that in our lives.
But first I have to get better and get stronger. And do things differently.
I want to thank the friends and family that have supported me during the past two months. It has easily been the hardest and most frightening time in my life. And now that I appear to be functional again, I feel alone and a bit sad. And anxious that a dreadful episode of panic will pounce on me. I have a great psychologist, but she is not a substitute for friends. Actual face to face, do stuff together friends. When you have no brains trust or gauge in life that you are doing okay, or that you are a worthwhile human, it can be hard to keep yourself in equilibrium, especially if you are already under pressure and stressed. And social media is a poor substitute too. Validation and worth via social media is an exercise in disappointment.
Not to be outdone while my mind broke, I also managed to put my back out quite badly, so that was fun. I am happy to report that it has resolved for now, but I have to be careful. L5 disc protrusion and slight degeneration, nerve inpingement, annular fissure...Basically equals pain.
I don't know where this blog is going, I guess it is just a place for me to vent and share in a bit more detail my current circumstances. For those on my private Facebook page it may give more context to my posts, and those who just happened upon my blog, well you can have a little glimpse into some one else's life on the Interwebs. I have an Instagram. I upload inconsistently, but I like taking random photos of things. A Seeker of peace and moments that make your soul and heart sing. I am grateful I am still here, as it could have gone quite badly.
A joyful life is currently under construction. Who knows what the future could bring?