Sometimes I feel like I am pretending that I am well for the comfort of others. As much as the mental health narrative is "It's okay to not be okay", much of the time I feel like the more apt narrative is "It's okay to not be okay. Just don't do it here. Or there. Or anywhere. And especially don't do it all over social media." You either hear the triumphant success stories, those that battle the black dog and come out the other side with somewhat "normal" functioning, managing their condition well and are now advocating for the cause. We love those stories, the hero triumphs over adversity and slays the beast as it were. The tragic flipside is the demise of those with mental health battles. Those that have a mental or psychotic episode and do something irredeemable or tragically they take their life. We're doing it wrong. As a society. We're not talking about that middle ground enough. Those that are still in the trenches, some are endlessly battling, some are frozen in fear, some are stuck in the depressive mud and some have given up and are just waiting for that mud to suffocate them, they've lost all hope. And of course, that middle battle ground doesn't take away from either end of the spectrum of mental health. Yes, someone who has overcome should be celebrated and if they go on to advocate and make a difference, excellent. I hope to be one of those people. I don't have the numbers, but I would hazard a bet that more people sadly end up at the other end of the spectrum. And you can't fix dead. It is much easier and more comfortable to interact with someone who is doing well.You don't have to talk about all the hard stuff so much with a well person. You don't have to get in the trenches with someone who has already overcome the black dog. Someone who is doing well, doesn't suck the life and oxygen out a room like a depressed someone. It can be exhausting being around someone admist a mental illness battle. I am a depressed someone and I don't want to much be around me, let alone grace other people with my black cloud. But you know what, people need to start getting in the trenches, be uncomfortable. Leave your preconceived judgements and notions at the door as it were and just sit with another human who, for this moment in time is struggling. That human connection is key. The societal narrative around mental illness and mental health needs to be dismantled and transformed. We need to intercept the illness before it escalates. And don't get me started on the lack of funding for mental health services, that's a whole other blog post.
I am depressed. I am actually not sure where my depression started. I think it just always has been. A thread woven through my life, weaving in and out of experiences over the years. Becoming more pronounced in times of struggle and sadness, and then retreating back and becoming subdued in the baseline of life, when things were going okay. This year that dramatically changed. The thread became a massive, angry ball of chaos. I couldn't see the tapestry of my life anymore. And I have been untangling it ever since.
Carrying that chaotic thread ball of negativity is exhausting. I have never particularly been a well of positivity though. I don't think I ever will be. So I will try to accept that I am bent towards the negative, but I think that puts me in the unique position to be able to get in the trenches and sit in the dark with those amidst the battle. But I have to get myself out of the mud first before I can help my fellow comrades. Still a work in progress.
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