Kaleidoscope Mind

In the last couple of weeks my mental-ness has stabilised. I'm thankful. When I'm good, I'm good. When I'm good, I just get on with all the life stuff, and try to find and point out the good bits as I go. Attempting to continue to seek the joy in life. The extraordinary in the ordinary. It sounds a bit silly I suppose, but looking for any thread of good in the day to day is important. Sometimes what that looks like for me, is as simple as hanging washing out and taking a photo of the pegs lined up, or taking a walk along the beach and listening to the ocean. In 2019 when i was really unwell, it was digging holes over and over again in the sandpit with my toddler or jumping on the trampoline with her in circles. At the time, I didn't really see those moments as joy or good. I often did things on auto pilot, not finding much joy in anything, but what I did find in those moments was the present. The power of now stuff that Eckhart Tolle bangs on about. Fixating on jumping around and around in circles with my kid, while she giggled her head off gave me a distraction from all my own racing thoughts. Instead my focus was on her, most of the time. It was hard work though. Most days I just wanted to crawl into bed and never surface again. I still have days like that. The last two months have been like that, I'm cautiously optimistic that I am coming out the otherside. I have come to accept that I will always be managing this madness that lurks around.

Managing with beach trips, swimming, walks, star gazing, tree pondering, sky prayers, rose smelling, medication taking, screaming at the moon, pacing at midnight, facepalming my forehead over and over again, phoning lifelines, singing songs, silly dancing, sobbing into pillows... Hoping, wishing, praying, doing, being, breathing. Just keep breathing.

I'm still here. With my kaleidoscope mind.

I took my mind for granted. You always think you're going to be "you", until something comes along and shakes up your mind marbles all over your life. I just want to be well. For myself, for my kids. I want to live the fuck out of life and be happy. Find the magical love of my life and sail off into the sunset. Magic happens, right?

I'll make a wish when I go to the UK and see Stonehenge. Be right back, chasing dreams...And maybe a few stray marbles.

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