Impossible Things

The past month has been devastating. It is impossible for me to explain without adding further hurt and pain. Simply put, my relationship with my partner of 24 years has ended as we've known it. And it's unclear where life will go next. I'm grieving all the aspects of life that I had just 10 days ago. It will never be the same. I wake up every morning with that feeling in my tummy like I've lost something important and can't find it. I have lost something very important. Imagine your life like a deck of cards, a game of life...My cards of life have been thrown up in the air and who knows where they will fall. I'm in a heartbreaking suspended animation and feeling desperately alone. Yet I am still hopeful about the future. Even if it does feel like the Earth has fallen out from under me. And here I am drifting in a place where I am too much and never enough. One saving grace, is that my mental breakdown has equipped me with the tools to cope with the whirlwind of my current life circumstances.

At the crux of it all is love. Love always endures. Through space and time. We just have to stop and take notice. Love fills the space between all things. Love makes the impossible, possible. I still believe that. I will always wish on stars for impossible things.

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Shooting Stars

My Mum died. Her last breath of life left her at 9.37pm, 8th September. I held her hand and kissed her forehead as she left. I had made a "Mum" playlist of all her favourite songs I could remember. She slipped away listening to the song Could I Have This Dance by Anne Murray. It was hers and Dad's song. The next song that played was Over The Rainbow by Judy Garland. She would sing this to us when we were babies. And then to the grandbabies. They say babies decide when it's time for them come, to be born. My beautiful mother picked her moment to die. She had impeccable timing. If she didn't. It was one hell of an extraordinary coincidence. I am heartbroken. Bereft. Distraught. Grief stricken. All the words and feelings and states of being that convey loss. Somehow it's still not enough. Two days leading up to Mum dying, I would go outside in the evening and look at the sky. Silently praying for a miracle. Each night I seen shooting stars...falling stars. I...

Chance Encounters

Last week I put my script in at the pharmacy for my "keep Fred in his box" medication. When I went to the counter to pick them up, the man at the counter handed them to me and asked why I was taking them, "There's a few things you can take that for is all", he said. I resisted the urge to blurt out that my brain is broken and that it is an anti-Fred, and just explained it was being used as an antidepressant. He went on to ask if I would be interested in some supplements that could help. "Yeah sure, why not", I said. I figured what could it hurt. He writes down the supplements on a piece of paper, but also walks me through some of the ones available at the pharmacy. The list was for vitamin B, vitamin D, flaxseed oil and probiotics. He also let me know about a book that he recommends and a group that runs seminar type sessions on depression and brain health, among other things. I was very grateful, "Thanks for helping me out. I think I was close t...

Crash and Burn

Imagine your walking along a path and then all of a sudden a flash flood furiously catches you off guard and any sense of that path you were walking is now indistinguishable. There is just a raging torrent of dark water propelling you to who knows where. That's a little bit what my panic episodes are like. And when you're amongst that swirling, angry torrent, it is easy to lose sight of the fact that, your environment for the most part is the same. The path is still there, the familiar surroundings are unchanged and when that panic flash flood subsides, those foundations of your life will most likely still be there. It just feels like they're not when all of a sudden your main objective is to keep your head above black, panic water and find something tangible to grasp on to. The relative stability I had been having over the month of June, in spite of all the ridiculous amount of appointments and box ticking monotony, came to a crashing end the last weekend of the month. J...

Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

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