Impossible Things

The past month has been devastating. It is impossible for me to explain without adding further hurt and pain. Simply put, my relationship with my partner of 24 years has ended as we've known it. And it's unclear where life will go next. I'm grieving all the aspects of life that I had just 10 days ago. It will never be the same. I wake up every morning with that feeling in my tummy like I've lost something important and can't find it. I have lost something very important. Imagine your life like a deck of cards, a game of life...My cards of life have been thrown up in the air and who knows where they will fall. I'm in a heartbreaking suspended animation and feeling desperately alone. Yet I am still hopeful about the future. Even if it does feel like the Earth has fallen out from under me. And here I am drifting in a place where I am too much and never enough. One saving grace, is that my mental breakdown has equipped me with the tools to cope with the whirlwind of my current life circumstances.

At the crux of it all is love. Love always endures. Through space and time. We just have to stop and take notice. Love fills the space between all things. Love makes the impossible, possible. I still believe that. I will always wish on stars for impossible things.

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The Rain Wizard

Life is a cause for disillusionment at the moment. I was going to write a post about all the disillusioned things when I realised I had a draft post waiting in the wings from a few weeks ago. So here it is... The weather has been dreary drizzle where I live. It's also the final stretch of school holidays, so I am a slightly bit battle fatigued from all the children being home. Yesterday I went for a walk in the rain to get milk. I needed the walk and milk was in short supply in the fridge. We run out of milk and bread at a rapid pace when everyone is home. Walking always gives me breathing and thinking space. It also gives me opportunities to take photos which I put on Instagram, my visual gratitude diary. Or "life isn't so bad if you can find beauty in mundane things" diary. While walking in the drizzle, I was reminded of when I was a kid and use to stand outside the front of my childhood home when it was raining. Not pouring rain, but the dreary, cold drizzle. It w...

Remember Who You Are

Hello my name is Léyanie and 5 weeks ago I was suicidal. Worse than that even, I was panicking and suicidal. And I completely felt unhinged from reality. I wasn't technically psychotic. I had insight into my behaviour and my thinking being terribly wrong and frightening, and uncharacteristic of myself, but I was terrified that I could have easily tipped over to the psychotic and done something dreadful to myself. I required immediate assistance and intervention, I was resigned to the fact that I was probably going to be hospitalized, but I am lucky to have a great doctor and she prescribed medication that helped and I spent a week with my Dad. My family dropped their lives to support me as best they could. My sister was key in that intervention, bundling me up and taking me to my doctor and then dropping me off at Dad's. She checked in everyday with me, as did my great friends, and I am so very thankful for that. What you may not know about this story is that prior to my breakd...

Battle Ground

Sometimes I feel like I am pretending that I am well for the comfort of others. As much as the mental health narrative is "It's okay to not be okay", much of the time I feel like the more apt narrative is "It's okay to not be okay. Just don't do it here. Or there. Or anywhere. And especially don't do it all over social media." You either hear the triumphant success stories, those that battle the black dog and come out the other side with somewhat "normal" functioning, managing their condition well and are now advocating for the cause. We love those stories, the hero triumphs over adversity and slays the beast as it were. The tragic flipside is the demise of those with mental health battles. Those that have a mental or psychotic episode and do something irredeemable or tragically they take their life. We're doing it wrong. As a society. We're not talking about that middle ground enough. Those that are still in the trenches, some are...

Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

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