Impossible Things

The past month has been devastating. It is impossible for me to explain without adding further hurt and pain. Simply put, my relationship with my partner of 24 years has ended as we've known it. And it's unclear where life will go next. I'm grieving all the aspects of life that I had just 10 days ago. It will never be the same. I wake up every morning with that feeling in my tummy like I've lost something important and can't find it. I have lost something very important. Imagine your life like a deck of cards, a game of life...My cards of life have been thrown up in the air and who knows where they will fall. I'm in a heartbreaking suspended animation and feeling desperately alone. Yet I am still hopeful about the future. Even if it does feel like the Earth has fallen out from under me. And here I am drifting in a place where I am too much and never enough. One saving grace, is that my mental breakdown has equipped me with the tools to cope with the whirlwind of my current life circumstances.

At the crux of it all is love. Love always endures. Through space and time. We just have to stop and take notice. Love fills the space between all things. Love makes the impossible, possible. I still believe that. I will always wish on stars for impossible things.

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Shooting Stars

My Mum died. Her last breath of life left her at 9.37pm, 8th September. I held her hand and kissed her forehead as she left. I had made a "Mum" playlist of all her favourite songs I could remember. She slipped away listening to the song Could I Have This Dance by Anne Murray. It was hers and Dad's song. The next song that played was Over The Rainbow by Judy Garland. She would sing this to us when we were babies. And then to the grandbabies. They say babies decide when it's time for them come, to be born. My beautiful mother picked her moment to die. She had impeccable timing. If she didn't. It was one hell of an extraordinary coincidence. I am heartbroken. Bereft. Distraught. Grief stricken. All the words and feelings and states of being that convey loss. Somehow it's still not enough. Two days leading up to Mum dying, I would go outside in the evening and look at the sky. Silently praying for a miracle. Each night I seen shooting stars...falling stars. I...

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Lonely. Sad. Exhausted.

It always seems when I think I'm doing well, something comes and knocks me over. I shouldn't ever speak of being stable. It's all relative after all. So the past couple of weeks I have been feeling the descent into melancholy, depression, sadness, stuck, miserable...Constant hamster wheel of life is taking its toll. I sobbed and screamed in my car today, between picking up children and grocery shopping and my psychiatrist appointment. My psychiatrist wants me to trial another medication. I want to not trial another medication, but I also do not want to die. Suicidal thoughts have been popping up a bit more. A telltale sign I'm not coping so well. My food hasn't been optimal, exercise has not been optimal. All the things and a bag of chips. I have considered running away, moving out, separating from my partner. I am so stuck and miserable with my life. I have a very good friend who says I should stop being a doormat. I barely have time to breath space into life for m...

Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

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