* Spoiler Alert : I mention moments in the movie Marriage Story. Not sure if spoilers as such, but thought it courteous to let you know
Today I crashed. Well not catastrophically, but there were tears and slight panic. Obviously I am needing to retreat from the world. I am not sure if it was just the rug got pulled out from under me all of a sudden for whatever reason, perhaps my period tapering off contributed, which is likely. I also forgot to take my evening dose of medication until 4am this morning. Add it all up, it was a perfect storm for a down day. I didn't quite feel like myself all day, my partner took the day off work and I have just been quietly processing my emotions and reflecting on the mountain climbed and the bit left to go. There seems to always be a bit more to go.
Though when I think about it, there is something that has been on my mind, other than my mental incapacity. Last night I watched Marriage Story. It is a movie that follows a couple through their divorce and though it sounds kind of formulaic, it was anything but. It was a beautiful nuanced movie, observing the process of a relationship being dismantled for a myriad of reasons, but the somewhat exquisite thread throughout, is that the couple still have a lot of love for each other and they want the best for their son. You can still love your person, even if it is best to not be together anymore. It was a great example of how two people can find themselves misaligned in a relationship, even when they have all the reasons in the world not to be. The wife, feeling as though her career and time to come into her own has been hindered by propping up her husbands career and mothering their child. The husband, somewhat blindsided by it all, as he can't see any other trajectory than the one that they have been on, as it obviously worked well for him and he assumed worked well for his wife too. It was sad and somewhat hopeful in the end, there was no "and they lived happily ever after", but you could see how perhaps their paths may intersect and possibly a reconciliation may ensue. Who is to know. Adam Driver played the husband Charlie and Scarlett Johansson the wife Nicole. I loved both performances, they were both fantastic. I have always had a soft spot for Scarlett as she was in my most favourite movie Lost in Translation, another masterpiece of nuance and not treating the audience like they need to be force fed every narrative of some derivative, formulaic trope. Marriage Story was beautiful in a similiar way. Adam Driver was sensational, just a powerful performance. The scene where Charlie and Nicole have a massive argument which results in him punching a wall, screaming at her that he wished she were dead and ultimately ending up in a weeping heap on the floor clutching his soon-to-be ex wife and apologising to her. That whole scene is worthy of an Oscar, it killed me. And towards the end of the movie when he sings Stephen Sondheim's "Being Alive", ugh I was a weeping mess on the floor. I have only focused on very minute aspects of the film and only on the performances of the two main actors. I could write an essay, no doubt there will be many a film, literature, and english students in time to come, banging out dissections of this movie. It has stayed with me all day, it will stay me forever I believe. It has made me see aspects of each of the main characters in my own relationship. The misalignment of a myriad of things, miscommunication, and loving someone so very much, even when it doesn't make sense anymore. All of it feels very relateable.
I love my person very much and sometimes it doesn't make sense. Especially in the moments where that misalignment is felt. And sometimes I don't even know why I feel misaligned. Sometimes he sees me, you know in that soul seeking way. And other times he doesn't. I guess we can't sit in the alignment all the time. Much like things in life, it ebbs and flows like the sea. I am sure he does not always feel seen by me, in some ways he is a bit of a mystery to me, hard to read sometimes. Though I think perhaps that is because he is very grounded, and doesn't entertain the dreamer, the spiritualist, all that magic and space between all things. I suppose you could say my head is in the clouds and he is firmly planted on the ground. We had a conversation a few weeks ago about death. Specifically if one of us died, how it would be to navigate intimate relationships again. He said, "It would have to be someone pretty spectacular. I don't think that person is out there." I said I didn't think I would ever feel comfortable bringing someone into my life and the children's life, trust would be huge for me. And being intimate with someone else, that I would find difficult. It would be weird. Anyway, probably too much information. Playing the what if game, is not particularly smart, but it was an interesting conversation. I talk to my psychologist a lot about the relationship I have with my partner. She thinks we have a good combination of complimentary strengths and weaknesses. Where I falter, he can take on the challenge and where he falters, I effortlessly glide in and get it done. Well maybe not effortlessly, but I like to think I am graceful. I am not. It is far from a perfect partnership, show me such a thing and I'll show you an illusion, a delusion, a mythical marriage unicorn. It doesn't exist. Maybe. I like to err on the side of possibilities, but it is highly unlikely. What I am getting at is that it is work. Not all the time, sometimes it's magic and sometimes mayhem. Sometimes I am not sure what it is. We have mixed DNA and made lots of extra people and mostly it feels like mayhem, but it has to be worth the tiny moments of magic. At this very moment though, in our current life stage, I wish that there was a little bit more of that magic. It is sadly strange to miss your person everyday when he is right there in front of you. One day it will make sense. Maybe not. Who knows where we will be in ten years. Nevertheless I hope there is some magic to be found in our story.
Though when I think about it, there is something that has been on my mind, other than my mental incapacity. Last night I watched Marriage Story. It is a movie that follows a couple through their divorce and though it sounds kind of formulaic, it was anything but. It was a beautiful nuanced movie, observing the process of a relationship being dismantled for a myriad of reasons, but the somewhat exquisite thread throughout, is that the couple still have a lot of love for each other and they want the best for their son. You can still love your person, even if it is best to not be together anymore. It was a great example of how two people can find themselves misaligned in a relationship, even when they have all the reasons in the world not to be. The wife, feeling as though her career and time to come into her own has been hindered by propping up her husbands career and mothering their child. The husband, somewhat blindsided by it all, as he can't see any other trajectory than the one that they have been on, as it obviously worked well for him and he assumed worked well for his wife too. It was sad and somewhat hopeful in the end, there was no "and they lived happily ever after", but you could see how perhaps their paths may intersect and possibly a reconciliation may ensue. Who is to know. Adam Driver played the husband Charlie and Scarlett Johansson the wife Nicole. I loved both performances, they were both fantastic. I have always had a soft spot for Scarlett as she was in my most favourite movie Lost in Translation, another masterpiece of nuance and not treating the audience like they need to be force fed every narrative of some derivative, formulaic trope. Marriage Story was beautiful in a similiar way. Adam Driver was sensational, just a powerful performance. The scene where Charlie and Nicole have a massive argument which results in him punching a wall, screaming at her that he wished she were dead and ultimately ending up in a weeping heap on the floor clutching his soon-to-be ex wife and apologising to her. That whole scene is worthy of an Oscar, it killed me. And towards the end of the movie when he sings Stephen Sondheim's "Being Alive", ugh I was a weeping mess on the floor. I have only focused on very minute aspects of the film and only on the performances of the two main actors. I could write an essay, no doubt there will be many a film, literature, and english students in time to come, banging out dissections of this movie. It has stayed with me all day, it will stay me forever I believe. It has made me see aspects of each of the main characters in my own relationship. The misalignment of a myriad of things, miscommunication, and loving someone so very much, even when it doesn't make sense anymore. All of it feels very relateable.
I love my person very much and sometimes it doesn't make sense. Especially in the moments where that misalignment is felt. And sometimes I don't even know why I feel misaligned. Sometimes he sees me, you know in that soul seeking way. And other times he doesn't. I guess we can't sit in the alignment all the time. Much like things in life, it ebbs and flows like the sea. I am sure he does not always feel seen by me, in some ways he is a bit of a mystery to me, hard to read sometimes. Though I think perhaps that is because he is very grounded, and doesn't entertain the dreamer, the spiritualist, all that magic and space between all things. I suppose you could say my head is in the clouds and he is firmly planted on the ground. We had a conversation a few weeks ago about death. Specifically if one of us died, how it would be to navigate intimate relationships again. He said, "It would have to be someone pretty spectacular. I don't think that person is out there." I said I didn't think I would ever feel comfortable bringing someone into my life and the children's life, trust would be huge for me. And being intimate with someone else, that I would find difficult. It would be weird. Anyway, probably too much information. Playing the what if game, is not particularly smart, but it was an interesting conversation. I talk to my psychologist a lot about the relationship I have with my partner. She thinks we have a good combination of complimentary strengths and weaknesses. Where I falter, he can take on the challenge and where he falters, I effortlessly glide in and get it done. Well maybe not effortlessly, but I like to think I am graceful. I am not. It is far from a perfect partnership, show me such a thing and I'll show you an illusion, a delusion, a mythical marriage unicorn. It doesn't exist. Maybe. I like to err on the side of possibilities, but it is highly unlikely. What I am getting at is that it is work. Not all the time, sometimes it's magic and sometimes mayhem. Sometimes I am not sure what it is. We have mixed DNA and made lots of extra people and mostly it feels like mayhem, but it has to be worth the tiny moments of magic. At this very moment though, in our current life stage, I wish that there was a little bit more of that magic. It is sadly strange to miss your person everyday when he is right there in front of you. One day it will make sense. Maybe not. Who knows where we will be in ten years. Nevertheless I hope there is some magic to be found in our story.
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