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Sun Revolutions

It is my birthday. Well it was my birthday when I started writing this, I probably won't get to upload until tomorrow. Anyway. I always find myself in a state of reflection when birthday time comes around and this year in particular has been quite poignant. Hovering on the edge of the precipice, certain you are going to die and at your own hand mind you, because you have obviously lost your mind, that forces you into a live autopsy of your mind and life like never before. Reflecting on how far I have come in the past few months has meant that I have spent the last few days and today being very emotional. The distance of time since my acute episodes, has meant I have been able to view everything at a vantage point that I haven't been able to before. And I realised how close I came to not being here, how close I came to not having this birthday. There were days, if left alone and without my safety net, I am almost certain I would have ran out in front traffic or found the nearest train to jump in front of. The impulse was scary and frightening, but I was in such a state of panic and fear, that dying seemed a valid option to get away from that panic and fear. It doesn't make sense and it sounds contradictory, but that is where I was at.
So here I am at my birthday. Thirty nine years Earth side. How can I make the next 12 months count? The next 39 years count? If I am lucky enough to be here for another 39. How can I make a difference in my life and my family's lives? How can I use my experience to be of service to other humans? I don't have clear answers for any of those questions. One aspect of my mental breakdown I am grateful for, is the reset it has given me in life. I get a second chance to reconstruct myself. But it is slow going. I have a hectic family life, lots of hamster wheel stuff, so finding the moments and opportunities to seed that restructuring is fraught with obstacles. Like my jogging for instance, I haven't gone jogging for a week, because family schedules have been a juggle and if I am honest it has been easier to let my stuff slide when things are hectic. The path of least resistance is kind of my approach. But it is not always a successful one. And it has resulted in for the most part, everyone else's needs and wants being met, while my own are shifted to the side. My self care needs to become a ritual and habit to the point it is an auto pilot response that I find a chunk in my day to do one thing for me. Like jogging. Or a walk. By myself generally and without anything other than a podcast or audiobook joining me through my headphones. I have started listening to Atomic Habits by James Clear, he breaks down how small, even tiny habits (as the book is titled "atomic habits") everyday, eventually add up to life changes over the long-term and can have life altering, changing consequences. Simple straightforward, commonsense stuff. Not easy to implement. But he goes into the process of habits, almost forensically dissecting the psychology and neuroscience of how humans form habits.
I have only just started, but it is interesting stuff. Another upside of my mental breakdown is my insatiable need for information about anything and everything brain, mind, mental health, wellness, physical health, spiritual growth and the pursuit of peace, kindness and joy. Still a work in progress. I am looking forward to the next 12 months with trepidation and quiet anticipation. Storm trooping my way to the big four zero. 40. Forty years old. There is an overwhelming compulsion to make it count. I feel like I have been rehearsing life and now it's almost time to take the stage and show the world what I am really capable of. Perhaps it sounds arrogant and overly self assured, and by no means do I want to project that, but a little self confidence wouldn't go astray, but it is definitely not my natural habitat to be or feel confident. Who knows what happens next? My hope is that if I can proliferate moments of peace, joy,  kindness and love in my life. Hopefully those things will radiate throughout my immediate world and essentially shift what has been a struggle to survive, and alternatively aspire to thrive.


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