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A Message

"Hi Hazel,  it's just Trish from next door letting you know about Phoebe's little girl. So I'll talk soon. Bye."
This was a message left on my answering machine this morning. Moments before, I was standing at the sink, lost in my thoughts. Mainly worrying about an impending panic attack, a bad day loomed like a big black shadow. I just wasn't sure when it would pounce, but I could feel it coming. After being on leave for two weeks my partner started back at work, so it is always a challenge to get myself through the day without him around as a safety net. I was worrying about how the day would go. How I would keep the two year old from hanging off me all day, or at least keep her entertained. Thinking about the jobs I needed to get done, while simultaneously being furious about our house being a shambles and thankful that we even have a house. Anyway. The phone rang while my brain was cluttering itself with thoughts. I glanced at the number. "No idea whose number that is, they can leave a message", I say to myself and go back to feeling worried, anxious and hopeless about life. When the answering machine picked up, and I listened to the start of the message, it jolted me out of all those thoughts. "Hi Hazel..." Is all I heard. The message finished and I went and played it over again and again. It was a message not intended for me, this person Trish had inadvertently called the wrong number and left a message. But little did Trish know, I needed that message this morning. For those that don't know, in 2015 we lost our baby girl 20 weeks into my pregnancy. She had passed away at 15 weeks, cause unknown, but likely from umbilical cord failure and I had a very bad cold or possible flu during those weeks of my pregnancy too. I had to be induced to give birth to her tiny body, it was devastating. How could I have not known she had passed weeks before? We named her Hazel. Hazel Aurora, our sleeping beauty.
Somehow the universe or God or Hazel conspired to make Trish call a wrong number and I received a message I needed. My Hazel's way of saying "Hello Mum, I love you". And I felt calm and a bit sad. But mostly thankful. My girl had sent me a little hello and it reminded me why I am here. When life is at its toughest and most intense and I just want to give up and checkout. I will remember my baby girl that didn't get a chance or a choice to stay. And as much as this hamster wheel of motherhood has worn me down to a blubbering mess, I have to keep going for my six children who did get the chance at life that Hazel did not.
So my day went okay. It may have been almost good. I was functional and ticked all the boxes. Well maybe not all of them, but I am getting through.
The bad days are awful, but it makes me so thankful for the okay days, the functional days and the good days.
Maybe it was all a bit coincidental. Wrong messages, wrong phone numbers. Happens all the time. But what are the odds of a lady called Trish leaving a message for a lady named Hazel on my answering machine. Me. A mother to a baby girl named Hazel who passed away.
I'll take it as a hello.
Mum loves you baby girl ❤

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