Last week I had a psych appointment. I quite like my psychologist, rapport is quite important in the process of therapy, otherwise it just doesn't work. Plus she seems like a nice person and makes our chats seem more like friendly back and forth banter while steering my negativity towards the positive, and working on strategies to chip away at goals and encourage more opportunities for connection with family and friends. Two goals I went away with last week were to make regular playdates with my three year old daughter and make time for a walk or jog. Only once a week for each, for now anyway. Well I ticked both those boxes by Friday and I stretched myself even further by meeting up with a friend on Saturday, which I appreciated immensely and needed even more. The week went reasonably well. Friday night was a bit tough though. Every now and then I have a glimpse into those really bad early days. Like standing on the edge of a precipice and staring down into a fiery hell, with an evil little devil sitting on my shoulder whispering, "You could end up back down there. One little push and it will be back in the hole for you. And you'll have to climb yourself all the way up again". I know that little devil is right though. It wouldn't take much to tumble back down. I have these moments some days, where I feel a looming micro episode, the impending doom of panic and anxiety floats all around me like a shadow. I distract myself a lot on days where it just won't dissipate. I think on the whole, I have been doing really well, but I try to not take it for granted. You see, there are still days where I am well and truly convinced this will kill me. I told my doctor that a couple of months ago when I was still in quite a bad state. She said, "This will only kill you, if you kill you". I know that, but it's almost like this whole mental health thing is separate from me and out to get me. It is something that is biding its time and one day it will pounce and chase me off a cliff. It is hard to explain.
It was R U OK? day on Thursday and there was a lot of mental health stuff and suicide prevention and statistics in the media and social media. It is strange how all that has become so much more meaningful now that I am living it. A friend shared a video on Facebook from Will and Woody from the radio station KIIS 1065. Will suffers from depression and he and Woody had this very real, vulnerable and heartfelt discussion about how the depression has impacted their friendship and working life. It was a very powerful exchange and there needs to be more discussions like this about mental illness in the public domain. They touched on key points about trying not to fix someone with depression and just being there to listen and another about having the hard conversation, because it could save a life, was a vital point. You would always rather live with an awkward exchange than regret that you said nothing and live with the tragic absence of a loved one. During their discussion, Will made a reference to a Counting Crows lyric from the song Perfect Blue Buildings, "How am I gonna keep myself away from me?", and I have never felt a truer sentiment. When fighting the unnatural impulse to suicide, there is no one you fear more than yourself. Well at least I know I did. It was an incredibly frightening place to be in. I am well aware that I need to use strategies to disarm these episodes, my brain needs to be interrupted in its pathway of reliving those moments. Otherwise it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy in a way. I start to become anxious and panicky about having full blown episodes of anxiety and panic. And hence a perpetual cycle continues. So back to my magic mental health tool box I go. Visualisation, mindfulness, breathing, counting things I can see in the room or where I am, what colours can I see? Any strategy I can use that interrupts that negative pathway. I sing in the car a lot. It helps. Music is a great tool and one of my best forms of therapy. Compared to where I was, outside looking in, some would say I am back to my old self. I am functioning quite like I use to, doing all the things. But I am not the same, and functional is not well. The person I was just doesn't exist anymore. There's me before the breakdown and there's me after. And I am trying hard to navigate myself through life while simultaneously restructuring it bit by bit. While restructuring myself bit by bit too. Listening to and reading all sorts of personal and spiritual development stuff has been highly useful. Everything from Russell Brand, Joe Rogan, Rich Roll podcasts to name a few, to Mooji, Ram Dass, Gabor Maté, Brene Brown, Eckhart Tolle and Alan Watts, among many, many others. Filling my brain full of information. Maybe some day I can do something with it all and make a difference in someone else's life. Maybe I can attempt university again and actually finish a degree in something this time round. But not until this year is well and truly behind me and my mental health status is stable for a prolonged period of time. One day. It won't be all for nothing. It will be a substantial blip on my radar screen of life, that began a cascade of positive transformation.
Well at least that is what I hope.
It was R U OK? day on Thursday and there was a lot of mental health stuff and suicide prevention and statistics in the media and social media. It is strange how all that has become so much more meaningful now that I am living it. A friend shared a video on Facebook from Will and Woody from the radio station KIIS 1065. Will suffers from depression and he and Woody had this very real, vulnerable and heartfelt discussion about how the depression has impacted their friendship and working life. It was a very powerful exchange and there needs to be more discussions like this about mental illness in the public domain. They touched on key points about trying not to fix someone with depression and just being there to listen and another about having the hard conversation, because it could save a life, was a vital point. You would always rather live with an awkward exchange than regret that you said nothing and live with the tragic absence of a loved one. During their discussion, Will made a reference to a Counting Crows lyric from the song Perfect Blue Buildings, "How am I gonna keep myself away from me?", and I have never felt a truer sentiment. When fighting the unnatural impulse to suicide, there is no one you fear more than yourself. Well at least I know I did. It was an incredibly frightening place to be in. I am well aware that I need to use strategies to disarm these episodes, my brain needs to be interrupted in its pathway of reliving those moments. Otherwise it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy in a way. I start to become anxious and panicky about having full blown episodes of anxiety and panic. And hence a perpetual cycle continues. So back to my magic mental health tool box I go. Visualisation, mindfulness, breathing, counting things I can see in the room or where I am, what colours can I see? Any strategy I can use that interrupts that negative pathway. I sing in the car a lot. It helps. Music is a great tool and one of my best forms of therapy. Compared to where I was, outside looking in, some would say I am back to my old self. I am functioning quite like I use to, doing all the things. But I am not the same, and functional is not well. The person I was just doesn't exist anymore. There's me before the breakdown and there's me after. And I am trying hard to navigate myself through life while simultaneously restructuring it bit by bit. While restructuring myself bit by bit too. Listening to and reading all sorts of personal and spiritual development stuff has been highly useful. Everything from Russell Brand, Joe Rogan, Rich Roll podcasts to name a few, to Mooji, Ram Dass, Gabor Maté, Brene Brown, Eckhart Tolle and Alan Watts, among many, many others. Filling my brain full of information. Maybe some day I can do something with it all and make a difference in someone else's life. Maybe I can attempt university again and actually finish a degree in something this time round. But not until this year is well and truly behind me and my mental health status is stable for a prolonged period of time. One day. It won't be all for nothing. It will be a substantial blip on my radar screen of life, that began a cascade of positive transformation.
Well at least that is what I hope.
"Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous. A spark is just fine as long as its contained."
A quote by Robert Ludlum
A quote by Robert Ludlum
I'll take that quiet spark of hope and set fire to all that fear, thankyou Mr Ludlum.
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