Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

It has been a couple of weeks since life dissolved into primordial goo. Kind of like the caterpillar in the chrysalis phase, about to become a butterfly. The butterfly stage of my life may as well be light years away. I feel like I will be stuck in the primordial goo forever. It's not clear what the future holds. For a very long time I have told myself that I wasn't scared of being alone. Doing life alone. Concentrating on my children. here I am on the precipice of such circumstances, and I'm terrified. Terrified of being alone. Yet I have the opportunity to not be alone. After causing each other considerable hurt and pain, working on our relationship is something that is on the cards for myself and my partner? Ex-partner? Inbetween partner? I don't even know what to call him anymore. Father to my children seems a bit odd. Person who I have spent 24 years of my life with and we have 6 children. He loves me with a big open heart and catches me when I fall. But much of th...

The past month has been devastating. It is impossible for me to explain without adding further hurt and pain. Simply put, my relationship with my partner of 24 years has ended as we've known it. And it's unclear where life will go next. I'm grieving all the aspects of life that I had just 10 days ago. It will never be the same. I wake up every morning with that feeling in my tummy like I've lost something important and can't find it. I have lost something very important. Imagine your life like a deck of cards, a game of life...My cards of life have been thrown up in the air and who knows where they will fall. I'm in a heartbreaking suspended animation and feeling desperately alone. Yet I am still hopeful about the future. Even if it does feel like the Earth has fallen out from under me. And here I am drifting in a place where I am too much and never enough. One saving grace, is that my mental breakdown has equipped me with the tools to cope with the whirlwind of...