Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

It always seems when I think I'm doing well, something comes and knocks me over. I shouldn't ever speak of being stable. It's all relative after all. So the past couple of weeks I have been feeling the descent into melancholy, depression, sadness, stuck, miserable...Constant hamster wheel of life is taking its toll. I sobbed and screamed in my car today, between picking up children and grocery shopping and my psychiatrist appointment. My psychiatrist wants me to trial another medication. I want to not trial another medication, but I also do not want to die. Suicidal thoughts have been popping up a bit more. A telltale sign I'm not coping so well. My food hasn't been optimal, exercise has not been optimal. All the things and a bag of chips. I have considered running away, moving out, separating from my partner. I am so stuck and miserable with my life. I have a very good friend who says I should stop being a doormat. I barely have time to breath space into life for m...

A few weeks ago the last person I ever thought would ever contact me, did. And he did so because he stumbled across my last blog post and he was concerned. After initially being gobsmacked and engaging in polite niceties, which all went well. Me being me, couldn't leave it at that, so after a little reflection I wrote the following message to him. 1,026 words. That's roughly how many words you wrote in your message to me. 5,298 characters. Woven together to turn words into sentences For me. Thank you. When we spoke a couple of weeks ago, you mentioned that you had been thinking of me all week. Which was very sweet and I was a little surprised by. I was remarkably chilled out prior to our reconnecting over the phone. Actually so much so that I wondered if maybe I just assumed that I wouldn't actually hear your voice on the phone that day. Your admission to thinking of me all that week, has now led to my admission that I have been having conversations with you in my head sinc...