Life, the Universe and the Melancholic

A lifetime ago I use to play the saxophone. Tenor saxophone to be exact. It was while I was in high school for about three and a half years. Concert band was kind of a big thing and I would be lying if I said I didn't have a bit of a crush on my saxophone teacher. He was a bit cool. I loved playing saxophone, I don't particularly think I was very good at it, but I tried my best. And there was a camaraderie that develops with the band folk. Looking back it was a special time during those teenage years. I gave up playing the saxophone when I started year 11. The thought of trying to do music for my HSC in the form of playing my saxophone, was altogether too daunting for me. I had to reluctantly hand my very loved tenor saxophone back to the music department.  Unfortunately it wasn't mine to keep.  I think at the time the band fees were going up too and it was a cost that was a bit too much. For years, and I mean probably a good 10 years, I would dream about that saxophone. I...

Last week I had a psych appointment. I quite like my psychologist, rapport is quite important in the process of therapy, otherwise it just doesn't work. Plus she seems like a nice person and makes our chats seem more like friendly back and forth banter while steering my negativity towards the positive, and working on strategies to chip away at goals and encourage more opportunities for connection with family and friends. Two goals I went away with last week were to make regular playdates with my three year old daughter and make time for a walk or jog. Only once a week for each, for now anyway. Well I ticked both those boxes by Friday and I stretched myself even further by meeting up with a friend on Saturday, which I appreciated immensely and needed even more. The week went reasonably well. Friday night was a bit tough though. Every now and then I have a glimpse into those really bad early days. Like standing on the edge of a precipice and staring down into a fiery hell, with an e...

Life has felt like existing in a vortex this year. Well I imagine it like that. I have just had no choice but to allow the process of this mental health breakdown to happen. Resistance is futile. The end of August and beginning of September resulted in another crash into despair. It sucked big time. August has been my most stable month to date, so to end it in tears and panic was frustrating. Fred made a short appearance. A cameo part you might say, but the crash wasn't quite as bad as usual, thankfully. No medicating my way out of it this time, just a couple of quiet days where the pressure was off and I retreated into my quiet world. And I cried. There was lots of crying. There always is. I find it tough to be with myself in floods of tears. When I was a kid and probably some of my teenage years, it was very easy for me to crumple into tears about anything. And I mean literally anything. I have many memories of my Mum telling me not to cry, always out of love. She didn't lik...

I pondered whether to write this blog post. But here goes... Dear Friend, Once upon a time, what seems a lifetime ago, you and I had something special. We were young and life was wrapped in fun and laughter. You used to hold my hand and kiss me and whisper in my ear, "I love you".  And everytime you did, I was bewildered as to why. Why would you want me? Why love me? I never felt worthy of you, low self esteem and no confidence can do that to a young girl. You were my shiny thing which I loved and adored, like a trophy I held so tightly and declared to the world you were mine and I yours. You were but a spark I could never contain and I knew we were never meant for forever. I broke my own heart with my insecurities and wrote the obituary to our bond in a moment of careless stupidity. You broke me with your silence. The demise of us taught me a valuable lesson about loyalty. It is something that has stayed with me all this time. So when I heard your voice, the same one that...